Realization

the world is an ugly place.

you think i would know by now, how ugly it is... but the world... just never cease to amaze me... well shall i tell the story? or just bitch about life... but it's not life's fault that the world is high off of universal stardust.

... but i don't wanna tell the story. let's just say i have a reputation that's not good. why? because i'm stupid and when i was younger i didn't care what people thought and i just [like another teenager that just started high school] wanted to be loved and have someone to hold. so me, being stupid and all went through... 5 guys in Freshmen year. after that everyone has been saying that I've been "around" wink wink. har har... fuck off. but really after that. i had a boyfriend for sophomore year. and now its junior year. so really after freshmen year i was a good girl. finally found the guy. but then he disappear, so i rebounded of course, why? because i am a total romanticist. and i love happy endings, and gentlemen, and hero's. but this is real life...
so yeah i kind of use the guy, so i could feel wanted. and stuff, because i dont know i can't be like my friends that can just hang out with the same sex forever. it's weird but i can't talk to girls. because they will tell me the stuff i already know. but if i talk to a guy it's totally different.
well after the rebound guy, i just stopped with the looking for the perfect guy, i concentrated on colorguard and homework. day dreaming a lot. but then i started to talk to this one guy, and his name was... [C] well [C] came up to me one day and was like, 'you know people has been telling me not to see you, and that you were bad.' well me being me asked, 'what did they say??' he replied, 'that you get around, (aka whore whore WHORE whore whore FLIRT WHORE WHORE WHOOOOOOREEEEEEEEEEEE). yup well since i'm soo cool i just laughed it off and joked about it. and told him that he can judge for himself. well i guess he did, and the result was... -drum roll-
WHORE.
why? because i stopped talking to him a lot, now we just talk once in awhile. reason? because i can't talk to him, he's too critical and truthful. [yes i like the truth but a little glucose would be nice.] well after him, i was free of men again. running around crazy about school. but then there's this one guy.
a few words to describe him: emoandlost. i loooooove to help people. so i started to like him. and then BAM i liked him, and he likes me i hope... well
YESTERDAY we went to Starbucks and Target. <3 Starbucks.
on the way there we were talking and he was like, 'can i ask you something?' and me being me. was like 'sure!' and he was like... 'well it's bad' well i was happy and energetic i didnt mind. i felt like nothing could bring me down.
well
i
went
down.
way
DOWN.
he was like 'people say stuff about you.'
me -knows what's going on- 'OH tell me.'
he 'it's bad.'
me ' i dont care, they're talking crap huh?'
he ' yeah...'
me ' let me guess... stay away from her she's bad! whore whore whore! flirt too much! bad for you! whore whore x8934783! uses people! whore whore whore! slut! bitch! ... right?'
he 'yeah you dont care.'
me 'eh it's their opinion, i guess i deserve it if they had a first hand experience, but if they're just talking then they're stupid'
he ' oh... well is it true?'
me -dies dies dies- 'lol, judge for yourself :D'
so... let's just say
yesterday was the day that i broke my promise to myself.

i would never ever fake being happy.

BAM too late it ended yay... April something. till now.

greaaaaaaaaaat. so
i mean its okay if you hear that someone's been warning the guy you're "dating" that you're bad news. i mean that's fine you know, they're just watching out for their friends.
BUT I MEAN 2ND TIME?! oh my effing gosh. i mean i can take it once but not twice... and both of them ask me. "is it true?"
OH MY GOSH WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY?
yes it is?
no it isn't?
what should i do? should i tell the truth?? [which i don't even know!] or should i just give you the answer that you want.
PLEASE just judge for yourself and keep it to yourself.
no one beliefs me anymore, and that hurts.
its stupid to write it down but i broke down last night. and i hadn't fallen asleep crying since ... summer. and... you know what?

thanks.
for teaching how ugly the world is.

just right now...
armastice (10:57:34 AM): and i dont think you went out
l i l FOB ette (10:58:15 AM): why?
l i l FOB ette (10:58:25 AM): well actually
l i l FOB ette (10:58:26 AM): whatever
l i l FOB ette (10:58:29 AM): you can believe what you want

once again. i'm tried of proving everything i did.
do i need to give you an effing receipt?

i am disappoint. and now i wonder
who believe me?
who is my friend?
do i even have friends?


au revoir

lyric box II

Can you hear me screaming
Coming to find you
It's not that I want to
Make it another night alone
This feeling is lonely
Sending me slowly
Hits me so deep
It cuts my bone
Fills my heart
Burns me up
For way too long
For way too long
Here's my hand
Pull me up

Chorus
I lie awake because I'm scared
I'm not as fake as you once heard
But we'll lay down now making sure we
Put these words between us

Can you hear us falling
We're falling faster
It's hard to remember
Where we were at a year before
I thought we were ready
I thought we were steady
'Till the emotion
Hit the floor
Fills my heart
Burns me up
For way too long
For way too long (where did you go)
Here's my hand
To pull me up

Chorus
Don't put these words between us

I lie awake because I'm scared
I'm not as fake as you once heard
But we'll lay down now making sure we
Put these words between us
I lie awake because I'm scared
I'm not as fake as you once heard
And we'll lay these words
And we'll put them down
On the floor beneath us
Don't put these words between us
Don't put these words between us

I Lie Awake
-QuietDrive
-----------------------------------

i wish for happiness

What Starbucks Can Do

was sitting in starbucks when all of a sudden...

notebook passage
i am sittting in starbucks trying to understand The Scarlet Letter when out of nowhere i looked up. i guess it was because of the new song that came up on my ipod [Boston -Augustana] well i looked up and the view outside the window was just beautiful. the lighting... the dimmed cafe of starbucks made outside bright and shiny, it was as if I'm watching the world passing by. i mean i am but it feels as if i am an intruder to a different place. the view was nothing spectacular. it was a regular view, cars, streets, restaurants, parking lot. If you don't understand i don't blame you, i sound crazy to myself. It just feels like a revelation kind of.
when i looked up from my book i saw things that i usually don't notice, like the contrasting colors, the manipulation of objects, the small things is what i noticed. to me it is as if a door open and someone is beckoning me to go in. it is very hard to explain. like something just "clicked" and you're like ... "oh my..." but then it dissappears just as fast as it came. thats why it is so hard to explain for me. it is like the music that touches your soul and awakens you to a new place and time.
this feeling to me, is like miracles in daily life. just small things we take for granted and barely noticed...

there was more, but it didn't make sense, i kept going back and forth trying to explain the feeling. its a magical feeling that makes your mind wonder why we are so absorbed in technology when we should be staring up into the sky. and i didn't type the other things cause i was writing really fast, so my handwriting was barely legible.

loves.

Fake It Till You Make It :]

Let's face it, sometimes you just have to fake it. I'm six months pregnant, have been with my husband for almost 12 years, have a three-year-old, and I'm in my 30s.

I don't want to be 20 but I don't want to wrestle with being aware of wanting to be hot. On the days I'm feeling a bit blah or un-hot, I just tell myself to suck it up and fake it. On those days I put an extra five minutes into getting ready and pick out something to wear that makes me feel like myself.

Oh, and really important, I don't mention this thought process to anyone, especially not my husband. This is the human condition and doesn't need to be shared with your lover. I realize if I can deal with it and not give this emotion a life, it will go away.

Adam Corolla (yes the guy who had a show called The Man Show) put it best: fake it until you make it. We are all going to feel less than great on certain days, and those are the days you put your chin up, chest out, and your best foot forward.

You focus on what is great about yourself, your life, and put a big smile on your face. Don't give in; remind yourself that people only see what we project.

I often find that by the end of such a day, I actually feel better and have bought in to my own act. How much of our lives do we create with our mind, attitude, and perspective?

Why not go for believing that your stuff is special and great and see what happens?

Posted by Gabrielle Reece on Tue, Sep 25, 2007, 2:50 pm PDT
http://health.yahoo.com/better-in-2007/strut-your-stuff/sys1/12/if-youre-not-feeling-it-fake-it

lyric box

I felt this way before
I fell right through the floor
And I am certain I've become
Broken, bruised, and numb
Would you restate your opinion
And hold back your investigation
Do you see the sins you're making
Cause I've made them all before

I will now rise from the ashes
Don't call me pretentious
I'm sitting here making my own rules
And if I fall from the ceiling
You'll be down there waiting
And my only hope
Is falling down

And by my own admission
You'll find that my condition
Is worse than you imagined
You're better off if you know
But every time before that I
Tried to measure pain inside
You can't ignore it
Right now I can't ignore it

I will now rise from the ashes
Don't call me pretentious
I'm sitting here making my own rules
And if I fall from the ceiling
You'll be down there waiting
To finish me

It's Settling
Inside Of Me

I'll take my heart
And rip my feelings out
Before they make me doubt
And I'll fall down with flames burning
Alive again
As long as you know that

I will now rise from the ashes
Don't call me pretentious
I'm sitting here making my own rules
And if I fall from the ceiling
You'll be down there waiting
To finish me
Finish me


Rise From the Ashes QuietDrive

sorry you guys i'm not feeling it this weekend...
just had a bad day... well still having since its not over.
but its not a concrete bad day its... an emotionally bad day.
seems like today i just can't control my emotions.
i yelled, i cried, i bitched...
i'm sorry if any of you guys took offense.

Loves~?

Scot says:
obviously, i would encourage you to move on....
it's easy to say... it's not easy to do however, from however much I did get to know you, you're sensitive to others, intelligent, and easy to get along with you're young, and there is still SO very much that you have left to do I'd say, never ever forget your friend, but everyone would want you to do/be the best you can be, and this can/will be a very very bright future.

thanks Scot.
its funny how the people that truly helps and understands me
are the people that doesn't see me the way i am usually...

i guess... like my friend Eugina, we went out to Starbucks today. and she told me that she noticed that i was: quiet, depressed, like her [cause she's THE sad girl], distant...etcetc. i couldn't explain to her.
well i tried

"i'm just tired of smiling, and being happy. i just want to be sad for one day... its like how you perform, you hate performing smiling and all that. and if you smile too much it just turns fake... i dont know. its like how whenever your back faces the audience you just totally stop smiling and relax be whatever emotion you want to be, but when you turn back to face the audience its back to smiles. that's how i feel, i've been performing too much, i need my break time. and i guess today is the day..."

i dont know. it seems like i've been faking happiness. for a long time. but i can assure you that i am so not faking, that much. Faking seems like a bad thing, it really isn't. i mean who would want to see sad people 24/7? i dont. so... yah. i'm not that happy, yet i'm not that sad. i'm right in the middle with a tinge of bipolarness.

now if someone understands. i would be truly delighted.

oops didn't mean to write that much. :] just got into it.