Goals

SAT II:
[670+] MATH II
[720+] CHEMISTRY
[600+] US HISTORY

SAT I: [1800+]

AP:
[4+] APLIT
[3+] APUSH

GPA: [3.5+]

x] goodluck!!

Hitting the Abyss

To ________________,
hey i miss you. i don't know why... well i do. it's just that i miss talking to you on the phone at night. i just plain miss talking to you. because ... now that you're gone i have no one else to talk to. i mean i do but its not the same. i can't call them in the middle of the night, just because i had a scary dream, or i just woke up with the realization that we're all gonna die. i mean no one would just wake up to comfort me... and even if they will, they can't do it as well as you can. i guess its cause you had practice and such but still...
... and on AIM i just lost another person i could of confide in, just because of my current boyfriend. well apparently the guy doesn't want to piss my boyfriend off by confiding in me on his personal problems so he's just gonna stop talking to me.
i feel like my life is control by him. that everyone have to ask for permission to speak to me. well with the night and the sleeping thing. i resorted to getting myself really tired so I'll just knock out and sleep, but the weird thing is that i always wake up around 3:30 am. and it usually takes awhile for me to go back to sleep. which leads to... thinking about things i do not ever want to think about until i am an old age. i get really scared. and there's no one to call anymore... no one to talk to about these feelings. not anymore.
I'm not accusing you of anything that you left me alone here in the abyss. it's just that. i miss your company. i miss knowing that there's someone out there i can just spill my guts to and not worry about being judged.
like right now, I'm sad and crying, and i really need someone to talk to, but no name popped into my head except for yours. but i don't want to bother you. well there are other people but i had to think hard about it. i just don't know anymore. i am utterly lost with no sense of direction what so ever. its sad... cause my boyfriend i can't talk to him. he's sleeping right now, and i can't wake him up or else he'll be like slightly pissed of and half asleep most likely going back to sleep. then what will i do? lay there in bed regreting that i called him and feeling bad because i woke him up thats what.
i know what happened back then was good for both of us but back then... when i was with you i felt so secured and warm like i was on solid ground. but the day that you disappear from my life, it felt as if the ground broke and i started falling into the abyss trying to grab hold of anything solid in there...

well today i hit the bottom. and it is not a good feeling.

i feel like the usual today and everyday.

Lyric Box VI

Lights and Sound
Yellowcard

Hello, you, how was the rest?
You made it through, but nevertheless
I got you out on a wire.
You be love and I'll be a liar.

Tell it all and fill up the air,
But make a loud cause nobody's there
And nobody's there
And nobody's there

[chorus]
Stop, turn, take a look around
At all the lights and sounds.
Let them bring you in.
Slow burn, let it all fade out,
Pull the curtain down.
I wonder where you've been?

Make it new, but stay in the lines.
Just let go, but keep it inside.
Smile big for everyone,
Even when you know what they've done.
They gave you the end but not where to start;
Not how to build, how to tear it apart.

So tell it all and fill up the air,
But make a loud cause nobody's there
And nobody's there
And nobody's there

[chorus]

I've got a way to work this out,
I've got a way and you know how. [x7]

[chorus]

You earned everything you found,
And painted faces frown.
I'll say I knew you when...
--------------------------------------------------

:] i like the chorus its like a command to all.
just stop whatever you're doing and look around.
we live in this world without really noticing all the details.
like how that light shows off the features to a certain object,
or how the wind cause the trees to move, which makes this eerie whoosh.
listen to all the sounds you cannot describe. even when its dead quiet, if you listen closely maybe you'll hear the traffic from a block over...

really i think this song.
is saying.

"hey you. stop and think. look around. dont waste your time."

something like that.

Coalition to Ban Dihydrogen Monoxide

Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, , and kills uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal means certain death.

Dihydrogen monoxide:


is also known as hydric acid, and is the major component of acid rain.
contributes to the "greenhouse effect."
may cause severe burns.
contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.
accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.
may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes.
has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients.
Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream, lake, and reservoir in America today. The pollution is global, and the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. DHMO has caused millions of dollars of property damage in the midwest, and recently California.

Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:


as an industrial solvent and coolant.
in nuclear power plants.
in the production of styrofoam.
as a fire retardant.
in many forms of cruel animal research.
in the distribution of pesticides. Even after washing, produce remains contaminated by this chemical.
as an additive in certain "junk-foods" and other food products.
Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be done to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact on wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!

The American government has refused to ban the production, distribution, or use of this damaging chemical due to its "importance to the economic health of this nation." In fact, the navy and other military organizations are conducting experiments with DHMO, and designing multi-billion dollar devices to control and utilize it during warfare situations. Hundreds of military research facilities receive tons of it through a highly sophisticated underground distribution network. Many store large quantities for later use.

Act NOW to prevent further contamination. Find out more about this dangerous chemical. What you don't know can hurt you and others throughout the world. Send email to no_dhmo@circus.com, or a SASE to:

Coalition to Ban DHMO
211 Pearl St.
Santa Cruz, CA 95060



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The formula of dihydrogen monoxide, also known as dihydrogen oxide, is H20.

stupid people make me laugh. :]

Xanga Love

so you know how you go on www.xanga.com there are like featured stories right?
well i usually just ignore those and log on right onto my xanga and check stuff.
but for some reason today, i looked through them. and this caught my eye...

I'm quite happy with my breasts. That's right, I said it.

I think I have very nice breasts. They have a pleasant shape. Strange men have even leered a couple of times. Of course I was officially insulted, but in a secretly flattered kind of way. I don't make a show of them too often because I'm a modest woman. But I like them and I wouldn't change them. And they will never sag to the ground, either. Because they're pretty small.

And no, I'm not going to post any pictures of them, so put your tongue back in your mouth.

There just isn't enough love for small boobs anymore. And by small, I'm talking A-cup and smaller. Because B cups aren't small. I don't care what anyone says. I remember a time when I would have given my eyeteeth for B cups. But not anymore.

Frustration Station

And please. Don't tell me how hard women with large breasts have it. It really doesn't make us feel any better. If you're tempted to tell me how hard you have it, save it. I've already heard it before from my friends. All of whom are more endowed than myself. I'm reminded of the final lines of Nora Ephron's classic essay "A Few Words About Breasts":


"And my girlfriends, the ones with nice big breasts, would go on endlessly about how their lives have been far more miserable than mine. Their bra straps were snapped in class. They couldn't sleep on their stomachs. They were stared at whenever the word "mountain" cropped up in geography. And Evangeline, good God what they went through every time someone had to stand up and recite the Prologue to Longfellow's Evangeline: " . . .stand like druids of old . . ./With beards that rest on their bosoms." It was much worse for them, they tell me. They had a terrible time of it, they assure me. I don't know how lucky I was, the say.
I have thought about their remarks, tried to put myself in their place, considered their point of view. I think they are full of shit."¹

For all the A cup and smaller ladies out there who have ever felt the same, this one is for you.

Media Mammaries

Regardless of how we're shaped, many women have a problem with our bodies. We are all far too hard on ourselves. I guess it's a combination of the way we are raised, influences of the media, society's expectations, and our natural female conceit - that biological part of us that wants to be attractive to men and to other women. We constantly compare ourselves to each other and so we rarely feel as though we physically measure up. And lord help you if you have a shape which seems to be on the receiving end of societal scorn, such as being overweight or having small breasts.

It shouldn't matter what celebrities do, but the fact of the matter is it does matter because we care. Whether you admit it or not, at least some of our standards of beauty are culled from the media. And it always seems that no one appreciates breasts of a certain size. Least of all the owners themselves!

This is why I am dismayed when I hear tell of such large numbers of women, famous or otherwise, getting breast implants. This sends a message to other girls and women that small breasts are somehow not feminine. It influences young girls to turn to an invasive and violent procedure in order to look "more like a woman". Much less advertised is that breast augmentation is no panacea for poor body image and low self-esteem. Implants do nothing for the person you really have to live with, the person you are inside. If it did, there wouldn't be higher suicide rates among those who do decide to augment. And if it did, I wonder if the physical risks would still be worth it.

Mental Augmentation

I used to hate my body. I felt cheated when I realized I wasn't going to grow anymore. I thought I looked like less of a woman. The irony is, I was not a "girly girl". It surprised me at the time that I felt this way, because I was never all about my looks. I always prided myself on my brain and my quirkiness, not my body. I was never into wearing sexy clothes or attracting boys. And I still felt bad about myself. If I had been, I imagine it would have been much worse.

I can't imagine how I would have felt had my family been the sort that allowed or encouraged me to have breast implants at some tender age. I suppose at the time I would have been excited. But a clear message would have been sent: my parents also think my body is inadequate and they too wanted to see it changed. I'm glad they are not that sort of people. That my parents, the most important people in the world, could think that way would have been incredibly damaging to my psyche and self-image.




I made the media work for me. I systematically used it in order to change my own views about my own shape. Images and movies - along with a dose of constructive self-talk and some slightly more flattering pieces in my wardrobe - were among the ways I taught myself to be OK with my shape. I found that emulating stars who valued their natural figures helped me a lot. I must have watched every Audrey Hepburn movie the New York Public Library had stocked. I even did online searches to find out which media stars had A cups and then bombarded myself with their images. (Not naked images, you freaks. I saw their movies and listened to their music.)



Many women my size wear padded bras and avoid scoop necked shirts. I decided that I would do the opposite. I decided to engage in a little "honesty in advertising" to show the world, and myself, that small looks good too. So, I stopped hiding them.

For several years, I got rid of or put away every padded bra I owned. I went on a hunt for bras that had no padding whatsoever. And at my size, that's not always easy. When I found a bra I liked, I would buy about 2 or 3 of them. I still have many of these purchases. I didn't shy away from shirts with a little scoop in them. I did get a few bras with only wires for a bit of support. Eventually I stopped being quite so spartan and started wearing lightly padded bras again - for a bit of shape, not to enhance the size.

I also wore a lot of stuff that enhanced what I was happy with, like my shoulders, my neck, my face, etc. I wore fitted shirts and tank tops proudly.

It also helped me to keep very healthy company. My friends and family helped immeasurably by being supportive and reminding me I was beautiful the way I was. If I didn't have them, I would have had a lot more to do on my own.

Ain't I A Woman?

I suppose it seems a bit neurotic that a perfectly normal, intelligent woman has to do so many contortions over such a superficial issue. Perhaps it is. But it is sure as hell saner, cheaper and longer-lasting than being stuffed with silicone sacks various times over a lifetime. And there's much less danger of leaking.

this post certainly surprised me. i mean i know its the Internet but i never expected a semi conservative woman to put the words Boobs [yes i know I'm very juvenile] but still...

and what i like about this post is that i have small boobs too, genetics. and everyday my friends make stupid comments about my non-existent boobs. well after reading this. I've grown to somewhat accepting them... kind of... but through time and once i leave my teenage years i believe i will come to full acceptance of my boobs and love them. :]

note to self

music to find

Bleed it Out -Linkin Park
Shadow of the Day -Linkin Park
One of the Brightest -James Blunt
Brink of Disaster -Mae
I Don't Wanna Be In Love -Good Charlotte
Realize -Colbie Caillat
Thinking Over -Dana Glover
Catalyst -Anna Nalick
Melody of You -Single File
Rangers -A Fine Frenzy
Last of Days -A Fine Frenzy
new album of Secondhand Serenade

...
i think that's it :/

oh that one song that Clovis West High Colorguard do.