I realized...

that i remember what i post about... like no duh but usually after a long period of time i dont remember! but today something happened which brought me back to the ... last post or the one before that (didnt check). ahah so anyways! here i am reminding myself for later!

Dear me,
Remember kiddo! apparently it's not your fault because you don't influence him whatsoever! it's all on him.

ex:
g: sorry im distracting you from your paper.
b: oh its not your fault. it's my choice that i'm here not yours.

(which makes perfect sense on "paper" or written! whatever. but when spoken. IT FUCKING HURTS.

ahaha or maybe i acted like a girl and took it to a whole new level

ex (crazy me over thinking):
g: sorry im distracting you from your paper.
b: oh you're not the one distracting me. i am! you just happen to be here... you don't influence me whatsoever. none at all! my choice is my choice and i don't take your opinion into consideration whatsoever. the end

haha! yes i was so overreacting! anyways ... i guess i should start on my paper.

he's frustrating me.
i mean not like a bad thing its me super worrying about him because he's stressing out about his paper. therefore causing me to be frustrated because i am i cannot help him with that. and whenever i try to perk up his spirits, he just looks at me with the IM REALLY STRESS look... so i quiet down...

sigh.
K.

gah

FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK DHLKFAHEWFKL;WEFJAFKLJFAJF;LAE

ANGRY FACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I HATE THE SITUATION I'M IN!!!

i want to walk away. like now. just get up, grab my shit, get in the car, and drive the fuck home.

why don't i?! because...

a) its illogical
b) super immature
c) it's cold outside
d) i can't just leave without a reason.
e) jeopardize the relationship maybe

jfalekwhfkjew i want to scream... but he's right there

i won't explain this post. its just more for me to vent and slam angrily on my keyboard...

- referring back to one of my old post... but at night when i sleep... i still get that horrible pit in the stomach feeling. resolution? i just take it like a man!!! (more like a 19 year old insecure girl) but really! i embrace it more. might as well love the overwhelming feeling of sadness right? better than running away from it and trying to convince myself that it does not exist.

but anyways i'm a bit more calm... (bf got mad cause i was being unreasonable. so it's my fault but i still got sad/frustrated at the way he reacted to me being unreasonable... but then everyone is stress out these days. sigh)

also! i can't really leave his house because... i would feel super super guilty. even though if (for example) i was right and he was being stupid and unreasonable, my silly (insecure? no idea) mind would convince myself that it was all my fault. ugh! i'm trying to stop the "all my fault" thinking, but it is super hard. c'est tres difficle.
and i can't stand thinking of his feelings and stuff... ugh i guess you can say i love him... even though he prefers Filipino girls (because they're more voluptuous) ... im flat-chested... well close to it! compare to the pre-teen girls these days! damn! big slap on my little ego when i found out. but you know what?! WHO CARES?! HE'S WITH ME!!! (keep trying to remind myself) no more pity parties!
seriously though, i almost started to think about getting plastic surgery, but then i slap myself (not literally) and i snapped out of it.
maybe when i'm more financially stable...

i need a hug.

please.

somebody.

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little update:
applying to France for study abroad! have two weeks to start/finish my application! eek! = stress.

thanks for reading my venting... or skimming it whatever!

roller coaster ride: location: after the drop slowly building myself up again.