And we laughed as I held you

i quit smoking ... last one was June 12, 2011... boyfriend still thinks i smoke once in awhile... i kind of stopped trying to correct him, because he won't believe me. Or he "will" but looks at me skeptically... and that's not a good look to receive from your darling.

sigh. we hang out too much
maybe we need space? no idea. but everything he's gone i miss him... attachment issues.

dont worry ill tell him this time instead of bitching on this blog

ciao

smoke break

just read my last post and it was during when i wrote an essay... guess what? i'm writing an essay (more like two... but ill work on the other one tomorrow).
i'm stressed i have two midterms on thursday and two essays due on that day plus a French oral examen on friday.

boyfriend just turned in his thesis, came back and he says he needs a bit more revision super cooL! he's almost done yay!

so these few weeks has been... stressful... one might be able to compare it to pregnancy but not that bad.
Boyfriend stressing out --> me freaking out = wife's pregnant condition causing mood swings --> husband stressing and freaking out...

sort of, so i was super excited he finished!! because he'll have more time to relax and have fun AND ill be able to chill and relax! but... guess again!! he says he'll be done for sure after spring break... fuck.
so this sounds really selfish, but let me throw out some facts:
1. i am super psyched about him finishing, because he worked super hard and long on this paper and he basically poured his heart and life in this.

but the thing is i've been spending all my time with him making sure he's alright and offering him 24/7 support (to the best of my ability)... my question now (after the craziness subside a little) is ... what about me? i have midterms and essays and finals week...

fact 2: i haven't been prioritizing correctly

so i accept some of me slacking on me, but i would like some physical support. the general topics of discussion is about him and his paper... and sometimes me when i'm really quiet and he realize that i havent talked... but mostly him. i mean he has way more to talk about but... HELLO~!!!

today's "problem":
1. he overreacted when i said i was going to walk my ex/friend to our class. i was sort of angry because his tone of voice was close to angry when he told me that "you can either leave or follow me" (of course i followed him)...
talked to my friend about it, he told me to keep my head up and that my boyfriend was totally stress and i shouldn't be thinking of myself like that. so i went to class with a more positive view and i was excited to see my boyfriend and see how he does with his thesis.
2. i decided to leave class early and surprise him outside his building after he met with his professor about his paper. (so i can congratulate him on his success or comfort him) he came out late so i took out my netbook and worked on my paper, he then came out of the elevator talking to his friends, and he was like "BABE!" (in a curt voice) i saved my work, putting my netbook to hibernate [insert shh-ing/whistling noise] ... wtf? "BABE come on!" i put my stuff away, while i'm putting my stuff away, one of his friends comment on how he called me like a dog to come to him. and boyfriend replied "what? she wasn't coming!" (EXCUSE ME BITCH?!) so i got up and followed him out being a few steps behind... while he keeps talking to his friends. (no acknowledgement: kiss/hugs/"hey! how are you?" etc) ... walking... all excitement about surprising him, jumping on him, and showering him with kisses = dead and gone.
3. poker night! which is good because i tend to write my paper during that time and work on my study guide. beginning half of poker i finished my study guide with my friend at the library. i went home and started my paper, 1/4 into it he called me and told me he lost and that when will i come over and say hi. (because i told him i was busy so hi was shorter than hanging out...) ... wait you want me to stop my essay and come over and say hi then go home...
side story: when i asked if he could take me to school or do something with me for a bit he would be like, "sorry babe i can't just stop in the middle of the paper and go back into it..." or "that's silly [insert words saying that it's a waste of time to leave in the middle and come back]"
so why would he tell me to... wtf! well i told him no (because i really need to work on it) he says oh well when you're done come over! ... (but i always come over to your house when you're working on your paper and i'll just go upstairs and wait for you... maybe fall asleep but i'll still be upstairs, on call, in case you need support)
so you're done with your thesis sort of, and... where's my support? i know a thesis > essay but still... why can't you come over and sleep here? i need help with my essay and you know more than i do... so i would actually call on your help. where are you? at home, drinking with your buddies... yup but that's alright because you haven't really socialized with your friends much. BUT STILL!!!!

... so i was trying to write my essay with all these thoughts in my head and i couldnt do anything so i did it... i grabbed my jacket went outside and had a cigarette. totally cleared my mind and i decided that i will go to his house after i'm done with my essay and sleepover there. (which means he wins) but! i will communicate with him about how i felt today.
I WILL TALK TO HIM ABOUT MY FEELINGS !!! instead of keeping it to myself and wishing he read my mind. HE NEEDS TO KNOW. but sometimes a spontaneous visit + hugs and kisses would help... sigh


my friend at the library asked if i love my boyfriend... any other day i would have said yeah! but today i stopped and thought about it... ):
i think it was just the whole day plus the few weeks of freaking out that's getting to me... sigh.

I realized...

that i remember what i post about... like no duh but usually after a long period of time i dont remember! but today something happened which brought me back to the ... last post or the one before that (didnt check). ahah so anyways! here i am reminding myself for later!

Dear me,
Remember kiddo! apparently it's not your fault because you don't influence him whatsoever! it's all on him.

ex:
g: sorry im distracting you from your paper.
b: oh its not your fault. it's my choice that i'm here not yours.

(which makes perfect sense on "paper" or written! whatever. but when spoken. IT FUCKING HURTS.

ahaha or maybe i acted like a girl and took it to a whole new level

ex (crazy me over thinking):
g: sorry im distracting you from your paper.
b: oh you're not the one distracting me. i am! you just happen to be here... you don't influence me whatsoever. none at all! my choice is my choice and i don't take your opinion into consideration whatsoever. the end

haha! yes i was so overreacting! anyways ... i guess i should start on my paper.

he's frustrating me.
i mean not like a bad thing its me super worrying about him because he's stressing out about his paper. therefore causing me to be frustrated because i am i cannot help him with that. and whenever i try to perk up his spirits, he just looks at me with the IM REALLY STRESS look... so i quiet down...

sigh.
K.

gah

FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK DHLKFAHEWFKL;WEFJAFKLJFAJF;LAE

ANGRY FACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I HATE THE SITUATION I'M IN!!!

i want to walk away. like now. just get up, grab my shit, get in the car, and drive the fuck home.

why don't i?! because...

a) its illogical
b) super immature
c) it's cold outside
d) i can't just leave without a reason.
e) jeopardize the relationship maybe

jfalekwhfkjew i want to scream... but he's right there

i won't explain this post. its just more for me to vent and slam angrily on my keyboard...

- referring back to one of my old post... but at night when i sleep... i still get that horrible pit in the stomach feeling. resolution? i just take it like a man!!! (more like a 19 year old insecure girl) but really! i embrace it more. might as well love the overwhelming feeling of sadness right? better than running away from it and trying to convince myself that it does not exist.

but anyways i'm a bit more calm... (bf got mad cause i was being unreasonable. so it's my fault but i still got sad/frustrated at the way he reacted to me being unreasonable... but then everyone is stress out these days. sigh)

also! i can't really leave his house because... i would feel super super guilty. even though if (for example) i was right and he was being stupid and unreasonable, my silly (insecure? no idea) mind would convince myself that it was all my fault. ugh! i'm trying to stop the "all my fault" thinking, but it is super hard. c'est tres difficle.
and i can't stand thinking of his feelings and stuff... ugh i guess you can say i love him... even though he prefers Filipino girls (because they're more voluptuous) ... im flat-chested... well close to it! compare to the pre-teen girls these days! damn! big slap on my little ego when i found out. but you know what?! WHO CARES?! HE'S WITH ME!!! (keep trying to remind myself) no more pity parties!
seriously though, i almost started to think about getting plastic surgery, but then i slap myself (not literally) and i snapped out of it.
maybe when i'm more financially stable...

i need a hug.

please.

somebody.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

little update:
applying to France for study abroad! have two weeks to start/finish my application! eek! = stress.

thanks for reading my venting... or skimming it whatever!

roller coaster ride: location: after the drop slowly building myself up again.

Pride

so quick post since i'm suppose to be writing my essay.

quick vent and confession whatever!

sooo... I AM VERY PRIDEFUL. for what? i have no idea. i like to think i'm better than others (even though i try not to think those thoughts but hey! who can resist really?). well... and its very frustrating that other people are better than me and etc... but ignore that. i really dont know what i'm typing. what cause this post? well im trying to write 4 1/2 page essay, simple i know. but i have the tendency to getting distracted REALLY EASY (ex: blogspot). i mention to my boyfriend that one time last year it took me six hours to write a 3 page essay... and then he pushed me away (cause we were hugging and it wasn't pushing it was more like he let go of me and stepped back). and exclaims,

baby, my 17-24 page chapters for my thesis (he's a grad student) it takes me around 3 hours to write

... oh thanks. i know it takes you that long, i mean i study with you. and you have 5 years more than me on writing essay, plus the advantage that english is your first language and also you have the discipline to get things done. dont you see? i know i can finish this faster, but it is also the thought that i can finish this in two hours easy that makes me want to slack off until the very very very last min.
oh sorry i slam the door on you. i tend to overreact way to often and much... but please remember im still a raging hormone teenager who is on her rag.
it sucks sometimes. oh this is off topic about the essay stuff. but ... whenever i need you or i need to talk to you, you're always busy or gone. so i wait for you and when you're free, the need for me to talk to you is gone. so that's why half the time i dont tell you things. not because i dont want to. its because i most likely solved it on my own. or found my emo corner... like right now i need you. but i know you're semi-mad and frustrated and most likely thinking

why the hell did i get with this girl

also my pride says no to opening the door.

well i let him in... and yes typical me
throws a damn fit. i really need to stop and change. its hard... its like half of me knows what im doing and the other half is confused. then when i realize what i was doing i just... im fighting with myself. i feel it physically. is that weird? i dont know anymore...
i think i need to see a shrink or whatever a therapist? psychologist? iono. i need to see someone if this keeps going on.

or maybe im just over-dramatizing everything so i could get attention... which still requires a therapist omfg
im so lost.

Being away

so... i have an apartment by campus now, and i officially just accepted the fact that Riverside is my home. yes there are some things that i dislike about but... in the end i call it home. i love it.

realization like 5 mins ago. being in riverside made me soft towards my family. not like oh i miss them, more like i'm weak and sensitive and i got worst at handling their criticism...
example: parents worried about my health (because i keep needing to go back to the doctors). says i should eat more veggies (which is VERY true) lectures me ... etc. usually i would answer and respond but for some weird reason all i could do is mutter a yes and start tearing up... WTF

then last night and today my brother raised his voice at me. okay that's normal. but why was i so close to crying?! i mean OMG i handle WAY worst in high school...

...

shit man riverside made me soft -_-;;;

so yeah im very close to just running away and driving home tonight instead of staying till tomorrow.


ultra fail.

After i graduate...

1. go into Graduate school
2. substitute for a bit
3. peace corp
4. volunteering at india
... etc