Pride

so quick post since i'm suppose to be writing my essay.

quick vent and confession whatever!

sooo... I AM VERY PRIDEFUL. for what? i have no idea. i like to think i'm better than others (even though i try not to think those thoughts but hey! who can resist really?). well... and its very frustrating that other people are better than me and etc... but ignore that. i really dont know what i'm typing. what cause this post? well im trying to write 4 1/2 page essay, simple i know. but i have the tendency to getting distracted REALLY EASY (ex: blogspot). i mention to my boyfriend that one time last year it took me six hours to write a 3 page essay... and then he pushed me away (cause we were hugging and it wasn't pushing it was more like he let go of me and stepped back). and exclaims,

baby, my 17-24 page chapters for my thesis (he's a grad student) it takes me around 3 hours to write

... oh thanks. i know it takes you that long, i mean i study with you. and you have 5 years more than me on writing essay, plus the advantage that english is your first language and also you have the discipline to get things done. dont you see? i know i can finish this faster, but it is also the thought that i can finish this in two hours easy that makes me want to slack off until the very very very last min.
oh sorry i slam the door on you. i tend to overreact way to often and much... but please remember im still a raging hormone teenager who is on her rag.
it sucks sometimes. oh this is off topic about the essay stuff. but ... whenever i need you or i need to talk to you, you're always busy or gone. so i wait for you and when you're free, the need for me to talk to you is gone. so that's why half the time i dont tell you things. not because i dont want to. its because i most likely solved it on my own. or found my emo corner... like right now i need you. but i know you're semi-mad and frustrated and most likely thinking

why the hell did i get with this girl

also my pride says no to opening the door.

well i let him in... and yes typical me
throws a damn fit. i really need to stop and change. its hard... its like half of me knows what im doing and the other half is confused. then when i realize what i was doing i just... im fighting with myself. i feel it physically. is that weird? i dont know anymore...
i think i need to see a shrink or whatever a therapist? psychologist? iono. i need to see someone if this keeps going on.

or maybe im just over-dramatizing everything so i could get attention... which still requires a therapist omfg
im so lost.

Being away

so... i have an apartment by campus now, and i officially just accepted the fact that Riverside is my home. yes there are some things that i dislike about but... in the end i call it home. i love it.

realization like 5 mins ago. being in riverside made me soft towards my family. not like oh i miss them, more like i'm weak and sensitive and i got worst at handling their criticism...
example: parents worried about my health (because i keep needing to go back to the doctors). says i should eat more veggies (which is VERY true) lectures me ... etc. usually i would answer and respond but for some weird reason all i could do is mutter a yes and start tearing up... WTF

then last night and today my brother raised his voice at me. okay that's normal. but why was i so close to crying?! i mean OMG i handle WAY worst in high school...

...

shit man riverside made me soft -_-;;;

so yeah im very close to just running away and driving home tonight instead of staying till tomorrow.


ultra fail.

After i graduate...

1. go into Graduate school
2. substitute for a bit
3. peace corp
4. volunteering at india
... etc

New Plan

forget trying to change or making amends
im just going to take the pussy way out and run away start a new life

ha! but the thing is you think that i will end up with the same situation since i didnt change
well
ill move to a new place far away and start my change there
since trying to change here is hella hard.
freaking everyone keeps reminding me of all my wrong doings
looking at all the bad decisions and stuff i did
ignoring me trying change, happily pointing out what im doing wrong while i'm trying to change
every conversation is the same, thinking i havent change
even if i tell them differently they wont believe me and REFUSE to believe me.

how do you expect me to change when you're constantly putting me back to what i was before??

you guys change takes time
and change is hard. very hard.
i know you're tired of supporting me and just want me to teleport from point a to point b but that's impossible...
just give me time... please.

yes i know sometimes it doesn't seem like i'm trying, and i just end up back on square one but... really? i can be super woman 24/7 i do have my weak points you all know that...
so the point of this message/rant.

change takes time.
change is hard, especially when reminders of who you were are everywhere.

by the way...

Choneze (9:56:23 PM): touche'
^
that's very immature of you.
thanks for putting me down. again.

blended caramel macchiato

coffee frap + 4 pumps of vanilla & dress the cup with caramel (:

location: Starbucks @ university village

i have officially turned into those students that sit outside of starbucks with a drink + food (usually marble loaf so delicious!) on their laptop trying to do homework while smoking.

yes i started smoking.

since march.

i went through the phase of chain smoking, to barely smoking, to smoke a few times a day, to smoke only during testing time.
right now? i only smoke during parties or coffee drinking time. so like once every other other day. ish.
(i see a cute mini cooper)

so i met this boy, that i cannot for the life of me stop thinking about. its like ... ugh the sad love story. why? because he's leaving in a week from Tuesday. (i think he's the one that got me to slow wayyy down on the smoking)
this boy is a marine... no he's not going to Iraq he just got back from there. he's going into inactive duty for 4 years then he's officially done. so he's going back to his home, with his family, which i totally understand. however it just sucks that... i just met him and i already feel this way about him. common sense says to not get too attach... but im already in way to deep (emotional-wise). so i might as well enjoy what i can, and try to get over it once he leaves... ugh. i hate this.

for now, i'm going to look up anthropology terms and write my paper due on friday.

my schedule so far till spring quarter ends::
5/26: CSES banquet 7-9 HUB302
5/27: EVO banquet semi-formal
5/28: Anthro EC due (3 page) & Reflection paper for Video project (3 page)
5/29: CSA Banquet
5/30: clubbing event $15 - Sharon Kang
6/1: Engl EC due
David leaves 6/3: Fall Enrollment 12pm
6/7: Anth Final 11:30-2:30
Barn: 3:30-6:30
6/8: ivans: 10-2pm
Barn cashier: 3:15-7:45
6/9: Hist Final 3-6pm
6/10: Engl Final 8-11am
6/11: Psyc Final 8-11am

ciao.

100th Post

location: UCR Coffee bean
suppose to be doing: study guide for English midterm tomorrow

i looked up from reading, and saw this couple. indie, hipster like... she tip toed and kissed him on the cheek. he looked at her and smile.
simple actions like that makes my day. it gives me hope that sweet innocent interactions still exist in this world. (of course i have no idea what the couple does behind the door...) but i love the "not so" Personal Display of Affection. not so according to society these days. i hate seeing people make out in public. really?
but those interactions the pecks here or there, hand holding, a little cuddling. brings a smile to my face.
however, i hate doing PDA. everything. except maybe holding hands. but i guess it is because of the four years of band and the strict NO PDA rule. habit i guess.

quick update:
grades are BAD
trying to improve this quarter
Evolution Hip Hop pick up. lots of practices, time consuming
went for an interview for escort coordinator, think i did decent
got a job with dining, learned how to make coffee
applying to starbucks
received my starbucks GOLD CARD!!!
still with the pdiep
kind of want to break up with him
dear John situation with jgrave
need to lay off the male population
finally send in my letter to Scot.
met one close friend, Ken
lots of friends in general
trying to connect with someone.
music style increased (:
fashion style increased! thank goodness
procrastination sucks

wisdom vs justice
is America still the basis of freedom? or do we have a secret agenda?

need to get out of california.
i'm done for now <3