Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Rose Parade


yup i'm in it.
PCC Honor Band, in the back with the Flags, front row right corner.
tv corner as they call it.
woooO~!!
but the thing is...
we have a long practice tomorrow and... yeah just make us sore the day before.
LOL.
------------------------------------------------------

i like knowing that someone likes me. even though i have a boyfriend. (:
makes me feel as if, i'm worth it.
and that i am doing something right with my image and my personality so that other ppl likes me.
yay!

conceited... yeah a bit. but you know what. it raises my self-esteem.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Justin's Present.

[ ] shirt #1
[ ] shirt #2
[ ] picture frame (: AWHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

[ ] cappo :3



sorry justin but your presents will be late. due to shipping and handling.

random note[s]

dear Vic,
i sometimes scroll down my AIM/MSN list to see if you're online. and if you are i would double click it and stare at the open convo window for 2-5 mins wondering if i should send something and start a conversation, in the end i would close it with half a sentence written.
i miss you dreadfully.

dear Justin,
i swear i'm going to eat that aloe vera if you don't come soon.

dear Scot,
heck yah i send you an email! :] and i will show it to everyone who read this too! that awesome picture. because for once i am proud of how i look. yay, but it does have a kind of a squinty Asian eye thing going on.

oh by the way Scot! i was watching Chicago with Justin last night and in the middle of it i just had a random thought/image of me. in my graduation gown... oh my god I'm a senior! ha ha ha. well you're away ill get back to you.

dear Mr. Ryan,
WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!??!?! i know you're trying to keep our brains active. BUT COME ONNNNN ]: i swear i will switch to normal English. but i can't.

dear Edward,
i sometimes hate you yet i sometimes love you.
you're ... annoying and I'm bipolar. we weren't meant to be. maybe in another world where you're less annoying and I'm more decisive. until then. good luck with Kimmy (:

dear girls in general,
ALL GIRLS ARE BACKSTABBING BITCHES!!!! i don't care if they are nice and cares, because sooner or later they will realize you did something bad to them and they will get you back. somehow. unintentionally or intentionally. so get over it.

dear people of the world,
everyone makes mistakes. get over it. stand tall, and think of a logical solution, that does not involve your emotions. so basically. get over it and move on. because the world is still moving whether or not you are. keep up.

dear me,
grow up. listen to your own advice, try to be decently nice with the interest of others in your mind. give other benefit of the doubt, and ... think before you speak. also... don't be bitch. i know you can't help it, but TRY. ohhhh DO YOUR RESEARCH PAPER!

<3 bye bye!

Monday, December 15, 2008

Meow!

dear Anonymous #362487?

one of you guys or maybe its the same person... har har har anyways!
yes i still care. i think about it/you when i wake up in the middle of the night and i can't go back to sleep because you're on my mind.
i don't know if that's good or not but. it's something.


i need to
quit facebook for a bit
and myspace
and start on my research paper and nonfiction paper
one is due on wednesday and the other is due on friday i have not started on any and i lost my nonfiction book. holy.......
i believe after i send in my UC apps i lost the motivation to do any work... i'm totally slacking off cause really since i'm not a 4.0 child i don't need to work as hard just need to keep straight B's (minus the C in physics and calc LOL)
what's causing the procrastination + senioritis is... that i've already been accepted to colleges. not the ones i really want except for one of them but the pretty decent ones. ( waiting on UCs and the UBC registration to open)

accepted
concordia university + $5000 scholarship
northwest christian university + $4000 scholarship
CSULA
Cal Poly Pomona

so yeah... i feel like i have a cushion. woot...
okay i should be working on my research paper.

BYE BYE!
<3

Thursday, November 27, 2008

UC Apps...

1. Prompt #1 (freshman applicants)
a. Describe the world you come from — for example, your family, community or school — and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Ever since I was young, my parents always told me how lucky I was to be raised in America. This is commonly said among parents to their children, but very few people realize the significance of the statement. Throughout the years, I always wondered about my parent’s constant nagging and their statement about being thankful, and a few years ago, I finally realized what they meant. If my family had never moved to America, life for me would have been different. For instance, I would have fewer friends due to my ranking in the social ladder. I would also have less motivation to study since I know that I could not move up in society through education or work. The way my life would have worked out would have been for me to get a job at a young age to help, as had been the legacy within my family for years. With this legacy, there was never the hint of expectation or even desire for me to attend a top university let alone graduate from a high school. This is because whether or not I would have tried to get an education, to financially support me throughout the process would have been near impossible. At this stage of my life, I would have been applying for jobs rather than Universities. Since my family moved to America, I am given an opportunity to pursue an education without feeling the social pressure of work because I am a lower class. By being in America, I am urged to move ahead in life, to be ... you know what this is all BULLSHIT. if i stayed in hong kong i would have more motiviation to work BECAUSE its harder to move up in life. since i am in america now i don't feel like doing ANYTHING because, its so easy to earn money as long as you're willing to do the dirty work. really! its so much easier to slack off here. as ppl say Procastinators are LEADERS of tomorrow. and right now i dislike my dad and love my mom. he's so annoying always BLAMING everything on me even though it is clearly my brother. noooo leave the only son alone. I thought youngest child was suppose to be cherished and spoiled. not in this family. so University of California... you can go fuck yourself. because i'll most likely commit sucide before i get an acceptance letter. and i'll tell you this. EVERYONE bullshit their personal statement. maybe a little lie here and there or the whole damn thing. this isnt about who you really are. its really about who can make stuff up the best.



i wish i turned that one in....
---------------------------------------------------


UC applications: in progress...

Friday, November 14, 2008

Surfing through the Web

:] so i'm bored!! i was suppose to go watch a movie @ 6 ish but my bf called and we had to bump it down to 7:25 so here i am! on the compuuuuuterrrr reading those random stories Yahoo puts up on their features. and i really got into one! and here it is::



At 73, she has raised 18 kids, now she will adopt 2 more
Lula Mae Walker is about to adopt her 19th and 20th children -- twin teenage girls. The adoption will be made official Saturday, National Adoption Day.
There's no such thing as quiet in Lula Mae Walker's home.
Loud, bouncy and boisterous are all permanent features of the modest, light-blue house in northwest Fort Lauderdale, the place where Walker has raised countless children -- nine of whom she gave birth to, nine of whom she adopted, and countless additional foster children.
On Saturday, National Adoption Day, Walker, 73, will add two more when she adopts 16-year-old twins Rossano and Rossana Thomas.
For the twins, the adoption ends years of bouncing among relatives and foster families. Now, they have each other -- plus six brothers, 11 sisters and countless nieces, nephews and cousins, some far older than the twins are. One brother died years ago.
For Walker, the adoption is another chapter in a life devoted to loving children, no matter their race, no matter their birth mother.
''The kids just give me something to keep going,'' Walker said. ``It's just amazing how blessed I have been.''
The story of how Walker found so much love for so many children begins with death. In the late 1970s, she lost five people she dearly loved: her husband, two sisters, her father-in-law and a sister-in-law.
Walker turned to her church for help, but found little of it, she said.
A friend suggested that she become a foster parent.
''If you're going to help,'' Walker recalls being told, ``give it to those who need.''
Walker took in her first foster child in April 1984, she said.
By 1991, her nine biological children were grown, but her house was filled with 11 children of different races and ages, most of whom she adopted.
''It takes something else to make a mother,'' said adopted daughter Rebecca Walker, 31, of Fort Lauderdale. ``She is my mother.''
Those children grew up and started their own families.
By January 2007, Walker's house was a bit quieter. She shared it with a pair of foster children and one granddaughter.
Then she got a call about the twin girls, who were born five minutes apart.
The girls had been placed with ChildNet, Broward County's privately run foster-care agency. ChildNet assigned the case to Kids in Distress, the agency Walker has worked with.
''They said I would be the best possible place for the girls,'' Walker said.
The girls' mother died 12 years ago. Walker said their story reminded her of one of her own granddaughters, who also died and left behind twin girls.
After Rossano and Rossana's mother died, the twins bounced between family members and foster homes.
But they kept the nicknames their mother gave them, both from a Prince song: Diamond for Rossano, Pearl for Rossana.
The first time they met Walker, Rossano didn't say much.
''I was shy. I was always a shy person,'' she said. ``I just sat and looked at her.''
Rossana, who is more of a talker, said she and Walker just clicked.
''It just came naturally,'' Rossana said, ``because we knew it was meant to be.''
The twins moved in, and on the first day it was almost quiet, with just Walker and a few others in the house.
Then came Sunday -- which brought a tidal wave of Walker's children and grandchildren, most of whom still live in South Florida.
Rossana described her reaction as: ``Where did all these people come from?''
The twins quickly became comfortable as part of the large, extended family.
Once the adoption is final, the twins hope to change their last names to Walker.
There is no age limit for foster parents as long as they meet certain requirements, such as good finances, sufficient space in the home and 12 hours of yearly training, said Jennifer Smith, ChildNet's foster-home recruitment coordinator.

Asked whether she would adopt more children once the twins are grown, Walker gave a slight smile, then said, ``probably.''

Anyone interested in adopting or fostering children can call the local recruitment line at 954-414-6001.
ChildNet holds an Adoption Open House every third Thursday of the month from 6:30 to 8 p.m. at its central office, 313 N. State Rd. 7, Plantation.
For more information about the open house, call Jim McElhannon at 954-461-9219.


http://www.miamiherald.com/news/southflorida/story/770459.html
____________________________________

basically
it makes me want to be a foster parent when i grow up!
when i was younger i wanted to do social work, and major in social work (they do have a major). but someone ask me what are you gonna do with a BA on social work? you don't need a BA for that! and i felt really really stupid x] cause i didn't know much about colleges and majors and such. so i kind of gave up on that dream. but it came back! because of my psychology class. i think i will major in Psychology and minor in social work and help kids everywhere!!
because i like helping people. and i just enjoy seeing a kid smile it makes my day. because its so SOOOOOOOOOO so so!!!! hard to make kids smile. and when you do. its like sunshine!
i don't know its hard to explain. maybe i'm weird.
but we're all weird so yeah!!!


and now i will .... surf some more! eat dinnerr showerrr then movies!
WOWOWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

we have marching band championships tomorrow x] im scared!

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Lyric Box VIII

Love Song by Taylor Swift

We were both young when I first saw you
I close my eyes
And the flashback starts
I'm standing there
On a balcony in summer air

See the lights,
See the party the ballgowns
I see you make your way through the crowd
You say hello
Little did I know

That you were Romeo, you were throwing pebbles
And my daddy said, stay away from Juliet
And I was crying on the staircase
Begging you please don't go, and I said

Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone
I'll be waiting all there's left to do is run
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
It's a love story, baby just say yes

So I sneak out to the garden to see you
We keep quiet because we're dead if they knew
So close your eyes
Let's Escape this town for a little while
'Cause you were Romeo, I was a scarlet letter
And my daddy said, stay away from Juliet
But you were everything to me
And I was begging you please don't go, and I said

Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone
I'll be waiting all there's left to do is run
You be the prince I'll be the princess
It's a love story, baby just say yes

Romeo save me, they're trying to tell me how to feel
This love is difficult, but it's real
Don't be afraid, we'll make it out of this mess
It's a love story, baby just say yes, oh,

I got tired of waiting
Wondering if you were ever coming around
My faith in you was fading
When I met you on the outskirts of town, and I said

Romeo save me, I've been feeling so alone
I keep waiting for you but you never come
Is this in my head, I don't know what to think
He knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring and said

Marry me Juliet, you'll never have to be alone
I love you and that's all I really know
I talked to your dad, you'll pick out a white dress
It's a love story, baby just say yes
Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
We were both young when I first saw you
---------------------------------------------------


(: thanks.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Relationships

are stressful.

whenever i go into a relationship i always tell myself. it's a two person thing. but then i make it into a me me me thing. so i change and make it a him him him thing. and for some reason i can't seem to make it a we we we thing...

but really i prefer catering to him, because then i won't have to worry about being a "spoiled bitch." even though i am, naturally. it is better when i focus all my attention to giving him what he wants. an illusion that he's in charge and he's catering to me. since he's not really happy unless he feels like he's doing me a favor or spoiling me a bit. but i really... dislike it when he does that. makes me feel guilty that i'm using him.

my favorite place is my bed.

its been 2 months friday. i am slightly suprise. but you know what i bet we could last until graduation. because...
we're staying together: 1. we're "happy" 2. we have what we want 3. peer pressure 4. ew for drama.
if we do break up i'll be the villian no matter who did it because he is a super nice guy. also everyone would talk and be like OMG OMG OMG. so high school, can be its own little bitch sometimes.

when i'm __________ i like to sleep and forget about life.

i mean the relationship isn't fake or that i'm using him. it does have its good moments. the 1st month and a half had been pretty rough, i was being a selfish bitch, and i was a "ohh no! whatever you wannnt!!" transitioning back and forth. bascially i was bipolar? i guess is a good phrase. then later on i got the hang of it. ish... well anytime i feel like i'm gonna turn bipolar i usually scream in my head "don't do it or you'll regret it!" or "BE FUCKING HAPPY OR I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU LATER!!!" somewhere along those lines... and

i cry in the showers and sometimes when i sleep.

i really think i have emotional problems. i shouldn't even be in a relationship when i can't even keep a hold of my emotions. one second i could be totally happy, the next i would be close to tearing up... like right now. except i have a reason but this boy is bothering me... well not really. he's more like confronting me, and i HATE confrontations i tend to stay away from them, and try to keep it from happening. like this one time my boyfriend confronted me about my bipolar ish ness. i got mad and ran into the classroom. for the rest of the week i cater to him like no other. too bad i couldn't keep it up, it would of been sweet.

when i start losing it i hit myself to get back to reality.

i also tend to space out when i'm being confronted. i start fantasizing about something else... i dont know what to do anymore. so i quit trying to find my own way and like standing up to what is my right. i'm just going to get the critism accept it even though if i think its wrong. and just correct it to the person's style. i dont know what to do anymore... everything i do is always wrong compare to others.
so...
i quit.
you're right.
i'm always wrong.
because i'm an idiot. i'm stupid. i'm pretty much worthless. i'm pitiful. and my sorrys dont count because he said so.

sometimes i wish i was dead, so people would care about me for a week or so.


goodnight. i'm going to sleep...

i apologize for my post changing topics and ending up emo. i just needed to "vent".
or maybe just cry for help... i don't know. next time ill be happy...


nah. i dont want to lie here too.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

For me more than you

i overreact too much.
the end.

really... i'm so like stupid/lame i dont know how to describe it but i really do overreact
when justin called me i got semi annoyed and stopped talking so it's just an awkward silence why?
because i was doing my ap language and i can't concentrate when i'm on the phone. so i was like UGHHHHH so i tried to do my work holding onto the phone but it didn't work out so well cause i could still hear the static. so i was like like
'hey ill talk to you later. bye.'
'uhH by-' -hangs up- before he even finishing saying goodbye
i'm so mean.
and like
a few mins later (20mins) i text him
'sorry'
'why' him
'i was being mean'
'when you hung up on me? naw you weren't mean i was boring hahaha you're never mean sweetheart' him.

makes me feel even worst.
where did i find such nice friends...

and edward

sdaisy (7:43:45 PM): im done overreacting
sdaisy (7:43:51 PM): and being stupid
sdaisy (7:43:53 PM): hullo
enade111 (7:44:19 PM): as long as u feel better
enade111 (7:44:30 PM): go get something thatll cheer u up more
enade111 (7:44:34 PM): i like u chipper

he's awesome.

and maybe it's the music
first thing that played "bad day -daniel powter"
then "collide -howie day"
two depressing songs that have a somewhat up lifting ending.
i should get back to ap lang. but i really needed to type stuff out.
aiyah
i'm so stupidly stupid.
i deserve to live in a cave like a hermit
away from civilization. so i won't hurt anyone or mess with them.

oh and dillon bond
he's... no word to describe him. either he's just trying very hard and is very good at it to sympathize with me or he's my soul mate. i dont know but. wow.
facebook inbox. <3

scot (: i still have not got you thingy but thanks anyways <3


i don't like telling people what's wrong. because i don't want them wasting their time worrying about me... or maybe i just want them to bug me more therefore making me feel so much better. but nah let me just do the surface feelings.
i dont like wasting their time. but what my friend tells me it worries them more so maybe i should just spill it. and sometimes when i'm getting there and right on the tip of my tongue i realize how stupid my problems are so i chicken out and pretend everything is okay and promise myself ill solve it myself at home.
and when i do get it out. i cry like 920473 times. re: friday with edward. bawling my butt off in the car with him. i swear i got his shirt really wet. but he stuck through it. offering encouraging statements and such.
but i felt so much better.
... too bad i can't do that easily it takes awhile for me to let loose with people around. edward's just lucky...

okay ap lang. goodbye blogspot
i love you.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Friends

i never knew i had friends like these.
thank you jaimie, dave, and jason. i never except you guys to bring me out of the dump i was in. (well i expected jaimie but not the guys) and you guys just made my WHOLE weekend. with the stupid antics and games.

oh and scot.

i love you to death. you're one of the awesome guys that could break and then glue me back together within a few words.

Know that I will always support you too! Even if we aren't talking, you're always on my mind.

Love,


^ that really mean a lot to me. cause that stupid phrase gave me a breakdown which lead to jaimie picking me up and taking me to dave's house, and there i had the best time i could ever have.
(: and you're always on my mind too.

loves.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Butchering the English Language

My AP English Language teacher Mr. Ryan. made it very very VERY clear to us how 'smart' people these days are butchering the English language by using 'modern' English.
so basically modern English is the same thing but the real meaning to the passage is more evasive and the words are bigger and more advance.
For our weekend homework, we had to find/make up a sentence and butcher it with modern english. so here is mine...

the original sentence
I saw my friend at the park, and she asked me what color the grass is. I told her it was green.


in modern english.
I was spending the beautiful hours of daylight out exercising my anatomy, when I happened to spot my valued colleague. Now, my dear listeners this colleague of mine is quite particular she likes to question the simple things of everyday life in tremendously anomalous positions. Furthermore this position she was in, was quite bizarre. You see, she was bent over backward staring intently at this blade of grass. I promenaded towards her, and inquired what she was staring conscientiously at. Even though she was in an awkward position she managed to respond with a query.
“Might I inconvenience you for a moment?”
“Why of course.”
“I was wondering what color is this blade of grass?”
I respond: “in view of the fact that this life form is a perennial herb, it must use photosynthesis to obtain energy from light. In order for photosynthesis to work, chlorophyll molecules are specifically arranged around the region of pigment protein complexes identify as photosystems which are embedded in the thylakoid membranes of chloroplasts. In these complexes, chlorophyll serves two primary functions. The function of the vast majority of chlorophyll is to absorb light and transfer that light energy by resonance energy transfer to a specific chlorophyll pair in the reaction center of the photosystems. For the reason of chlorophyll’s selectivity regarding the wavelength of light it absorbs, areas of a leaf containing the molecule volition materialized as a deep jade green.”


i am pretty proud of myself. so please! celebrate with me for a few seconds then you can critize my horrible use of words.

darling its me,
Kami.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Yamato

means... family or circle i'm not sure. but it's japanese... lol.

well this summer i joined a drum and bugle corp in riverside, CA called Yamato. it is composed of japanese exchange students and american kids...

to sum it up

the experience.
was
something i wish i could relive and cherish for the rest of my life.

there was so many life experience in there. it's hard to tell it all. and it's me. i hate retelling things, if you werent there sucks for you. so ... sucks for me in the future rereading these entries trying to figure out what the heck i was saying.

i met a lot of awesome people
like the colorguard and their crazy humor. Baby J and his sweet characteristics. Christian and the look he gives whenever he's listening to you. Nicolai with his stupid cocky ass self. Casey and his girlish demeanor. Donnaly and her life lessons with boys. Ben and his awesome hugs. <3

ill try not loose touch with you guys. it shouldn't be hard with the technology today but...

you'll never know.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Expressing

... why do i insist on telling my blog more than i tell my friends?

i guess it's cause there's no... output. on it.
this blog doesn't judge except for random comments. which i could easily delete and disregard.
but friends i'm scared that they'll judge me badly due to my choices.

... ahh i dont know anymore.
i need... a friend.

i mean i do have friends but i dont tell them everything
i carefully select the things i want to tell them and i tell each friend different information so if they ever meet up together and discussed me they'll have the entire story.
ta da!

(:

well let's say.
i'm screwed. with relationships.
im not made for them
im gonna be an old maid that lives in stacey's closet in her mansion when she gets rich
LOOL
<3

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Being Single

The Art of Contentment. For most of us, being single will be more of a phase than a final destination. This is the best place to practice the art of contentment. Someday, I'm sure most of us will fall in love and get married. But the thing is, love will always be tested.

Someone more handsome, beautiful, more charming, richer, funnier, sweeter would come along. If you have not practiced the art of contentment as a single person, chances are you would be tempted to want that and not cherish your chosen one. Practicing the Art of Contentment as a single person means that you take what life gives you, good or bad, and you're willing to see it through. It means you don't walk away everytime things get tough, because it builds in you patience, perseverance, understanding and a hundred different virtues that people in a hurry will never have to cherish.

Being single means you would find how it feels to be alone thus, allowing you to cherish every moment you spend with your chosen one. The art of contentment means you wouldn't mind if life had to make you wait for so long to find the love of your life, because you know that the waiting would only make the finding the love of your life much sweeter.

Being single is a time of your life when you can get to know yourself better. You can pursue different interest and passions without having to ask another person's approval. It is a phase when you can keep focus on other things, discover your potentials and talents, and see yourself become more of the person you expect to be.

Allow yourself to surprise you. Stop wasting precious energy trying to figure out why you're still romantically unattached. It's all in the mind. Take the time to go see your friends, spend time with your family, do charity work and you will realize that you are not, and never for one moment, was alone.

Try to get to know yourself first before you try to get to know other people. To be truly loved, means to be known and accepted for who you are. How do you expect other people to know you and to love you, when you don't know who and what you really are? Sometimes the dilemmas we face are not between what is absolutely bad and absolutely good. Sometimes, it's between what is good and best.

Treat this stage of your life as a phase to evaluate who is good for you and who is best for you. Sometimes, you won't hear music, or feel magic to know who's best for you. The heart just knows and it doesn't need any romantically charged scenario to decide on the matter. Trust in your heart, and trust that time will eventually lead you to, not to the perfect partner, but to the most suitable partner for you. Being single is a phase of life that we need to be thankful for, because being single means our hearts have yet to choose the best one for us.

Take your time, the world will wait. Being married doesn't guarantee that it will make your life happy. It doesn't guarantee anything at all. Sometimes, it only brings two miserable people together only to make their life even more miserable. Without the right intention, the emotional maturity, financial security and of course, unwavering love, you're better off unattached.

Living Life. Don't put your life on hold for Mr. and Mrs. Right, but don't let it waste away with Mr. or Mrs. Wrong. Life is about things that you do and happen to you everyday. It's not about the things that could have happened but never did, or things that you think would happen in the future. Live life now. Live it to the fullest and stop beating yourself up, trying to be perfect on a Saturday night date. Allow life to surprise you with it's most wonderful blessings.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

http://www.xanga.com/MRNICKLEPICKLE/665689830/being-single.html

Your Opinion questioned

According to this argument, I am evil, because I lack the presence of God in my heart. i think that both views are flawed. I think that nothing in this world is proven, period. Not science, not God, we know nothing.



This is the argument:
---------------------------------------------

"Let me explain the problem science has with religion." The atheist professor of philosophy pauses before his class and then asks one of his new students to stand.



"You’re a Christian, aren’t you, son?"

"Yes sir," the student says.



"So you believe in God?"

"Absolutely.

"

"Is God good?"

"Sure! God’s good.

"

"Is God all-powerful? Can God do anything?"

"Yes.

"

"Are you good or evil?"

"The Bible says I’m evil.

"

The professor grins knowingly. "Aha! The Bible!" He considers for a moment. "Here’s one for you. Let’s say there’s a sick person over here and you can cure him. You can do it.

Would you help him? Would you try?"

"Yes sir, I would.

"

"So you’re good...!"

"I wouldn’t say that.

"

"But why not say that? You’d help a sick and maimed person if you could. Most of us would if we could. But God doesn’t.

"

The student does not answer, so the professor continues. "He doesn’t, does he? My brother was a Christian who died of cancer, even though he prayed to Jesus to heal him.

How is this Jesus good? Hmmm? Can you answer that one?"

The student remains silent.



"No, you can’t, can you?" the professor says. He takes a sip of water from a glass on his desk to give the student time to relax.



"Let’s start again, young fella.

Is God good?"

"Er...yes," the student says.



"Is Satan good?"

The student doesn’t hesitate on this one. "No.

"

"Then where does Satan come from?"

The student falters.

"From God"

"That’s right. God made Satan, didn’t he? Tell me, son.

Is there evil in this world?"

"Yes, sir.

"

"Evil’s everywhere, isn’t it? And God did make everything, correct?"

"Yes.

"

"So who created evil?" The professor continued, "If God created everything, then God created evil, since evil exists, and according to the principle that our works define who we are, then God is evil.

"

Again, the student has no answer.

"Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things, do they exist in this world?"

The student squirms on his feet. "Yes.

"

"So who created them?"

The student does not answer again, so the professor repeats his question. "Who created them?" There is still no answer. Suddenly the lecturer breaks away to pace in front of the classroom. The class is mesmerized. "Tell me," he continues onto another student.

"Do you believe in Jesus Christ, son?"

The student’s voice betrays him and cracks. "Yes, professor, I do.

"

The old man stops pacing. "Science says you have five senses you use to identify and observe the world around you.

Have you ever seen Jesus?"

"No sir. I’ve never seen Him.

"

"Then tell us if you’ve ever heard your Jesus?"

"No, sir, I have not.

"

"Have you ever felt your Jesus, tasted your Jesus or smelt your Jesus? Have you ever had any sensory perception of Jesus Christ, or God for that matter?"

"No, sir, I’m afraid I haven’t.

"

"Yet you still believe in him?"

"Yes.

"

"According to the rules of empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol, science says your God doesn’t exist.

What do you say to that, son?"

"Nothing," the student replies. "I only have my faith.

"

"Yes, faith," the professor repeats. "And that is the problem science has with God. There is no evidence, only faith.

"

The student stands quietly for a moment, before asking a question of His own.

"Professor, is there such thing as heat?"

"Yes," the professor replies. "There’s heat.

"

"And is there such a thing as cold?"

"Yes, son, there’s cold too.

"

"No sir, there isn’t.

"

The professor turns to face the student, obviously interested. The room suddenly becomes very quiet. The student begins to explain. "You can have lots of heat, even more heat, super-heat, mega-heat, unlimited heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat, but we don’t have anything called ’cold’. We can hit up to 458 degrees below zero, which is no heat, but we can’t go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold; otherwise we would be able to go colder than the lowest -458 degrees.

"

"Every body or object is susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have or transmit energy. Absolute zero (-458 F) is the total absence of heat. You see, sir, cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat we can measure in thermal units because heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.

"

Silence across the room. A pen drops somewhere in the classroom, sounding like a hammer.



"What about darkness, professor.

Is there such a thing as darkness?"

"Yes," the professor replies without hesitation.

"What is night if it isn’t darkness?"

"You’re wrong again, sir. Darkness is not something; it is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light, but if you have no light constantly you have nothing and it’s called darkness, isn’t it? That’s the meaning we use to define the word.

"

"In reality, darkness isn’t.

If it were, you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn’t you?"

The professor begins to smile at the student in front of him. This will be a good semester.

"So what point are you making, young man?"

"Yes, professor. My point is, your philosophical premise is flawed to start with, and so your conclusion must also be flawed.

"

The professor’s face cannot hide his surprise this time.

"Flawed? Can you explain how?"

"You are working on the premise of duality," the student explains. "You argue that there is life and then there’s death; a good God and a bad God. You are viewing the concept of God as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, science can’t even explain a thought.

"

"It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life, just the absence of it.

"

"Now tell me, professor.

Do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?"

"If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, young man, yes, of course I do.

"

"Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?"

The professor begins to shake his head, still smiling, as he realizes where the argument is going. A very good semester, indeed.



"Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor, are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you now not a scientist, but a preacher?"

The class is in uproar. The student remains silent until the commotion has subsided.



"To continue the point you were making earlier to the other student, let me give you an example of what I mean.

"

The student looks around the room. "Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the professor’s brain?" The class breaks out into laughter.



"Is there anyone here who has ever heard the professor’s brain, felt the professor’s brain, touched or smelt the professor’s brain? No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established rules of empirical, stable, demonstrable protocol, science says that you have no brain, with all due respect, sir.

"

"So if science says you have no brain, how can we trust your lectures, sir?"

Now the room is silent. The professor just stares at the student, his face unreadable.



Finally, after what seems an eternity, the old man answers. "I guess you’ll have to take them on faith.

"

"Now, you accept that there is faith, and, in fact, faith exists with life," the student continues.

"Now, sir, is there such a thing as evil?"

Now uncertain, the professor responds, "Of course, there is. We see it everyday. It is in the daily example of man’s inhumanity to man. It is in the multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the world. These manifestations are nothing else but evil.

"

To this the student replied, "Evil does not exist sir, or at least it does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It is just like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to describe the absence of God. God did not create evil. Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God’s love present in his heart. It’s like the cold that comes when there is no heat or the darkness that comes when there is no light.

"

The professor sat down.

-------------------------------------------------

question is
are you real?

Monday, July 14, 2008

Bon Qui Qui rap

im on mike...is a queen...so listen to me sing...he wants #3... supersize onion rangs..

he could come out da house wit no ankle brace at all.... but he got 2 strikes...so dont get his order wrong....

he know im really cute and theres nothing u can say....but if u giving it 2 me....we can do it your way...hey...hey!

Saturday, July 5, 2008

I like to share

i like to share what i find.

(: this is no exception

http://xkcd.com/158/

its ... :] except the last part
just makes you laugh.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

it's okay, join the club.

about me:
hello, my name is Ka Hei Joyce Leung. my parents put in the Joyce like 3ish years after i came to America. no one calls me Joyce, except for church people, my brother, and Starbucks people. I'm 16. my birthday is September 25, 1991. i was born in St. Mary's Hospital, Hong Kong, "Britain" or whatever. i lived in Hong Kong till i was 5, and then i moved to California. then at 6 i moved back because my grandfather died. i believe i stayed there for the summer, but i don't really remember...
throughout childhood i live with an over controlling brother who loves to be a dictator. basically i get beaten and sentence to my version of hell back when i was 4-14 years old. which is getting beaten, stand on the wall, public humiliation, suffocation... etc. all those good stuff older siblings do to their younger. my parents were never home because they worked A LOT. our funds are fairly low. so i understand the working and such. so it's only my grandmother but back then she was 79-80 ish. so she couldnt do much. and my brother was violent. i believe he gets it from my dad, cause he gets anger outburst too. the worst memory [i bet there was worst but...] that i remeber about my dad was this one time when i was 8 i think. i wanted to walk the dog. well the dog is like my size. and very very very energetic. so i put it on a leash and it dragged me down the street until my brother stop it. i was crying laying in the middle of the street. until my mom came and picked me up. my knees were skinned. like really skinned. first thing my dad said was "that's what you get." but in chinse, it's like those chinese phrases. well i cried even more, and he started yelling at me about how stupid i was, and its all my fault. we're wasting bandages on me. etc.etc. well after that i learn. to never ever tell my dad anything. i'll just tell my mom. it worked out pretty well. but then my mom would tell my dad and it'll carry over and i'll just get yell at about how much i'm wasting bandaids, tissues,
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

i finished the post. but blogspot was ... underconstruction
i finished like an hour after this was saved...
and i dont have the heart to re do it.
let's just end this with

it's okay if you dont understand me.
no one does. even i dont.
so <3

Friday, June 13, 2008

another summer.

There are pictures that you never pay attention to, and there are pictures that you just want to look at over and over again. There are things that people wrote to you that you never care to read, and there are other things that you just can't stop but to reminisce constantly in your head...

-Wenxin Mu

another summer. another school year...

Monday, June 2, 2008

Cause lately i've been tired... oh so tired.

lately ... i've been putting my emotions > everything else. and that pretty much screwed me over.

cause then my best friend Edward. got hurt. Troy my good friend got hurt. other ppl got hurt. and i... i've been emotional.

"its a hot tranny mess" as talia would say it.

well bascially... a promise for me is a big thing... but i realize. a promise. is... bullshit. well for me it is. so far in my experience.

but you know what? its because i make the impossible promises. like i want to ride in Edward's car first. but he can't help but give a friend a ride ya know?
...
golly im stupid.

so you know what?
for a change

its everyone else > me.
who cares. either way i'm just an emotional mess.

" i won't give up, i won't give in. im ready for my life to start again." -Reason to Live by ZOEgirl.

i'm trying.
please let me accomplish it. at least let me do something right.

cause i make stupid mistakes especially when my emotions run high. so forget me.

i'm trying.






i need you scot.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Sorry... unoffical Lyric Box

its stupid to post two lyric box in a roll.. so hi
i'm like iono.
i feel so ugh and down. i just want to sleep. and everything isn't right. i mean its not suppose to be all right. but then its not suppose to be all wrong either. but it seems as if all i'm getting is all wrongs.
its like the world isnt even giving me recovery time, just keep shoving crap down at me... so i dont know what to do.
at night i wonder who i can talk to. basically no one. i mean a lot of people, but its just that those people i can't open up to, because they're my friends. and i already know what they're gonna say. something helpful and inspirational. those quotes and phrases that makes everyone feel "better".
i want a reality check.

...
but you can't find that with friends. maybe close friends who understands you but i dont have those.
or i do but i can't call them. Long distance. woot...
so lyric box :

Believe -Yellowcard


Think about the love inside the strength of heart
Think about the heroes saving life in the dark
Climbing higher through the fire, time was running out
Never knowing you weren't going to be coming down alive
But you still came back for me
You were strong and you believed

Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Be strong. Believe.
Be strong. Believe.

Think about the chance I never had to say
Thank you for giving up your life that day
Never fearing, only hearing voices calling out
Let it all go, the life that you know, just to bring them down alive
And you still came back for me
You were strong and you believed

Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Be strong. Believe.

Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Be strong. Believe.

(Again today, we take into our hearts and minds those who
perished on this site one year ago, and also those who came
to toil in the rubble to bring order out of chaos, to help us
make sense of our despair)

Wanna hold my wife when I get home
Wanna tell the kids they'll never know how much I love to see them smile
Wanna make a change right here right now
Wanna live a life like you somehow
Wanna make your sacrifice worthwhile

Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Be strong. Believe.

Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Be strong. Believe.

Think about the love inside the strength of heart
Think about the heroes saving life in the dark
Think about the chance I never had to say
Thank you for giving up your life that day

(The world will little note, nor long remember what we say
here, but it can never forget what they did here)

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Lyrics Box VII

Serenade by Oscar Wilde's in 1881

The western wind is blowing fair
Across the dark Ægean sea,
And at the secret marble stair
My Tyrian galley waits for thee.
Come down! the purple sail is spread,
The watchman sleeps within the town,
O leave thy lily-flowered bed,
O Lady mine come down, come down!

She will not come, I know her well,
Of lover's vows she hath no care,
And little good a man can tell
Of one so cruel and so fair.
True love is but a woman's toy,
They never know the lover's pain,
And I who loved as loves a boy
Must love in vain, must love in vain.

O noble pilot tell me true
Is that the sheen of golden hair?
Or is it but the tangled dew
That binds the passion-flowers there?
Good sailor come and tell me now
Is that my Lady's lily hand?
Or is it but the gleaming prow,
Or is it but the silver sand?

No! no! 'tis not the tangled dew,
'Tis not the silver-fretted sand,
It is my own dear Lady true
With golden hair and lily hand!
O noble pilot steer for Troy,
Good sailor ply the labouring oar,
This is the Queen of life and joy
Whom we must bear from Grecian shore!

The waning sky grows faint and blue,
It wants an hour still of day,
Aboard! aboard! my gallant crew,
O Lady mine away! away!
O noble pilot steer for Troy,
Good sailor ply the labouring oar,
O loved as only loves a boy!
O loved for ever evermore!


from his play The Importance of Being Earnest

i love it. because its so cute the way they did it.
you just gotta watch the movie or listen to the soundtrack (2002)

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

smartasses should get a life.

okay so... say someone ask you a total random question...

"do people tell the truth?"

NORMAL or "normal" people would say "yes/no elaborate..."

but...

SMARTASSES say...
bellamonx (9:52:30 PM): er.. what?
bellamonx (9:52:38 PM): how is that relevant to anything?
me: its random
bellamonx (9:56:25 PM): well if its not evoked by something dramatic then don't be emo
bellamonx (9:56:28 PM): it's not attractive
bellamonx (9:56:29 PM): lol

uh huh WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE WHAT'S ATTRACTIVE AND WHAT IS NOT?! HUH! WHO DIED AND MADE YOU GOD YOU SON OF A BITCH~!!
sorry for my language. i was so in the moment. and as you noticed i didn't bother censoring his AIM screen name, because secretly i hope you readers... which is like 3 or 4 would attack him. but then that's the immature thing to do. so let's not just do it... we can just smile on this when we meet another person.

but really... how dare you assume that nothing dramatic is happening in my life. i am a teenage high school girl. GIRL. and do not, dare not, i swear ever tell me not to be fucking emotional. attractive? you know what YOU'RE NOT ATTRACTIVE!! i swear you were so lucky i met you in the early morning or else i think my eyesight would get worse. and ITS KIND OF HARD SINCE ITS IN THE 500s ... fucking bastard. stupid piece of shit.
ugh.
and and BEFORE he was like "oh read my myspace blog!" and I'm just like sure...
i read it
and

WHAT NORMAL HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT WRITES LIKE THAT?! i mean its good and very documentary base. but really, if you're gonna do that type it up turn it in to your English teacher. i mean come on... MYSPACE!!

also i don't understand why he insist on using high vocabulary. i know you need it for SAT and just basic life, but really inserting a word that is about 6+ letters long every other 2 words... that's just too much. and it makes you look obnoxious, maybe you are. but you don't need to be proud of it. sure it makes you look... semi mature... not really since you totally overuse it.

you know what.
I GIVE UP
he is not worth talking about.

me (10:47:01 PM): you know what he needs?
me (10:47:26 PM): a flag pole heading towards his head @ 50 mph
me (10:47:30 PM): thats what he needs.

i shall end with that.
ciao!

Sunday, May 4, 2008

Re: Goals

hello so i took my SAT II yesterday
and i skipped out on US History.

so now im hoping i get somewhere near the scores that i wanted for chem and Math II
but i'll most likely retake Math II because i was so not prepared for it. i spent the whole time studying chemistry.

now the AP scores.
i am only studying AP LIT because APUSH ... is hopeless i haven't been paying attention in class because i thought i wouldn't take the test.
now i am really wasting my parent's money :/
uh oh.
well fee waivered <3 is awesome.

so SAT I i will start studying after AP testing which is this thursday and friday.
my ACT is in June 14 and i'm hoping for a "decent" grade
now i gotta go...

Math homework.
and

i'm going to Derick's prom.

Monday, March 31, 2008

Goals

SAT II:
[670+] MATH II
[720+] CHEMISTRY
[600+] US HISTORY

SAT I: [1800+]

AP:
[4+] APLIT
[3+] APUSH

GPA: [3.5+]

x] goodluck!!

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Hitting the Abyss

To ________________,
hey i miss you. i don't know why... well i do. it's just that i miss talking to you on the phone at night. i just plain miss talking to you. because ... now that you're gone i have no one else to talk to. i mean i do but its not the same. i can't call them in the middle of the night, just because i had a scary dream, or i just woke up with the realization that we're all gonna die. i mean no one would just wake up to comfort me... and even if they will, they can't do it as well as you can. i guess its cause you had practice and such but still...
... and on AIM i just lost another person i could of confide in, just because of my current boyfriend. well apparently the guy doesn't want to piss my boyfriend off by confiding in me on his personal problems so he's just gonna stop talking to me.
i feel like my life is control by him. that everyone have to ask for permission to speak to me. well with the night and the sleeping thing. i resorted to getting myself really tired so I'll just knock out and sleep, but the weird thing is that i always wake up around 3:30 am. and it usually takes awhile for me to go back to sleep. which leads to... thinking about things i do not ever want to think about until i am an old age. i get really scared. and there's no one to call anymore... no one to talk to about these feelings. not anymore.
I'm not accusing you of anything that you left me alone here in the abyss. it's just that. i miss your company. i miss knowing that there's someone out there i can just spill my guts to and not worry about being judged.
like right now, I'm sad and crying, and i really need someone to talk to, but no name popped into my head except for yours. but i don't want to bother you. well there are other people but i had to think hard about it. i just don't know anymore. i am utterly lost with no sense of direction what so ever. its sad... cause my boyfriend i can't talk to him. he's sleeping right now, and i can't wake him up or else he'll be like slightly pissed of and half asleep most likely going back to sleep. then what will i do? lay there in bed regreting that i called him and feeling bad because i woke him up thats what.
i know what happened back then was good for both of us but back then... when i was with you i felt so secured and warm like i was on solid ground. but the day that you disappear from my life, it felt as if the ground broke and i started falling into the abyss trying to grab hold of anything solid in there...

well today i hit the bottom. and it is not a good feeling.

i feel like the usual today and everyday.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Lyric Box VI

Lights and Sound
Yellowcard

Hello, you, how was the rest?
You made it through, but nevertheless
I got you out on a wire.
You be love and I'll be a liar.

Tell it all and fill up the air,
But make a loud cause nobody's there
And nobody's there
And nobody's there

[chorus]
Stop, turn, take a look around
At all the lights and sounds.
Let them bring you in.
Slow burn, let it all fade out,
Pull the curtain down.
I wonder where you've been?

Make it new, but stay in the lines.
Just let go, but keep it inside.
Smile big for everyone,
Even when you know what they've done.
They gave you the end but not where to start;
Not how to build, how to tear it apart.

So tell it all and fill up the air,
But make a loud cause nobody's there
And nobody's there
And nobody's there

[chorus]

I've got a way to work this out,
I've got a way and you know how. [x7]

[chorus]

You earned everything you found,
And painted faces frown.
I'll say I knew you when...
--------------------------------------------------

:] i like the chorus its like a command to all.
just stop whatever you're doing and look around.
we live in this world without really noticing all the details.
like how that light shows off the features to a certain object,
or how the wind cause the trees to move, which makes this eerie whoosh.
listen to all the sounds you cannot describe. even when its dead quiet, if you listen closely maybe you'll hear the traffic from a block over...

really i think this song.
is saying.

"hey you. stop and think. look around. dont waste your time."

something like that.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Coalition to Ban Dihydrogen Monoxide

Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, , and kills uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal means certain death.

Dihydrogen monoxide:


is also known as hydric acid, and is the major component of acid rain.
contributes to the "greenhouse effect."
may cause severe burns.
contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.
accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.
may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes.
has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients.
Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream, lake, and reservoir in America today. The pollution is global, and the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. DHMO has caused millions of dollars of property damage in the midwest, and recently California.

Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:


as an industrial solvent and coolant.
in nuclear power plants.
in the production of styrofoam.
as a fire retardant.
in many forms of cruel animal research.
in the distribution of pesticides. Even after washing, produce remains contaminated by this chemical.
as an additive in certain "junk-foods" and other food products.
Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be done to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact on wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!

The American government has refused to ban the production, distribution, or use of this damaging chemical due to its "importance to the economic health of this nation." In fact, the navy and other military organizations are conducting experiments with DHMO, and designing multi-billion dollar devices to control and utilize it during warfare situations. Hundreds of military research facilities receive tons of it through a highly sophisticated underground distribution network. Many store large quantities for later use.

Act NOW to prevent further contamination. Find out more about this dangerous chemical. What you don't know can hurt you and others throughout the world. Send email to no_dhmo@circus.com, or a SASE to:

Coalition to Ban DHMO
211 Pearl St.
Santa Cruz, CA 95060



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The formula of dihydrogen monoxide, also known as dihydrogen oxide, is H20.


stupid people make me laugh. :]

Monday, March 10, 2008

Xanga Love

so you know how you go on www.xanga.com there are like featured stories right?
well i usually just ignore those and log on right onto my xanga and check stuff.
but for some reason today, i looked through them. and this caught my eye...



I'm quite happy with my breasts. That's right, I said it.

I think I have very nice breasts. They have a pleasant shape. Strange men have even leered a couple of times. Of course I was officially insulted, but in a secretly flattered kind of way. I don't make a show of them too often because I'm a modest woman. But I like them and I wouldn't change them. And they will never sag to the ground, either. Because they're pretty small.

And no, I'm not going to post any pictures of them, so put your tongue back in your mouth.

There just isn't enough love for small boobs anymore. And by small, I'm talking A-cup and smaller. Because B cups aren't small. I don't care what anyone says. I remember a time when I would have given my eyeteeth for B cups. But not anymore.

Frustration Station

And please. Don't tell me how hard women with large breasts have it. It really doesn't make us feel any better. If you're tempted to tell me how hard you have it, save it. I've already heard it before from my friends. All of whom are more endowed than myself. I'm reminded of the final lines of Nora Ephron's classic essay "A Few Words About Breasts":


"And my girlfriends, the ones with nice big breasts, would go on endlessly about how their lives have been far more miserable than mine. Their bra straps were snapped in class. They couldn't sleep on their stomachs. They were stared at whenever the word "mountain" cropped up in geography. And Evangeline, good God what they went through every time someone had to stand up and recite the Prologue to Longfellow's Evangeline: " . . .stand like druids of old . . ./With beards that rest on their bosoms." It was much worse for them, they tell me. They had a terrible time of it, they assure me. I don't know how lucky I was, the say.
I have thought about their remarks, tried to put myself in their place, considered their point of view. I think they are full of shit."¹

For all the A cup and smaller ladies out there who have ever felt the same, this one is for you.

Media Mammaries

Regardless of how we're shaped, many women have a problem with our bodies. We are all far too hard on ourselves. I guess it's a combination of the way we are raised, influences of the media, society's expectations, and our natural female conceit - that biological part of us that wants to be attractive to men and to other women. We constantly compare ourselves to each other and so we rarely feel as though we physically measure up. And lord help you if you have a shape which seems to be on the receiving end of societal scorn, such as being overweight or having small breasts.

It shouldn't matter what celebrities do, but the fact of the matter is it does matter because we care. Whether you admit it or not, at least some of our standards of beauty are culled from the media. And it always seems that no one appreciates breasts of a certain size. Least of all the owners themselves!

This is why I am dismayed when I hear tell of such large numbers of women, famous or otherwise, getting breast implants. This sends a message to other girls and women that small breasts are somehow not feminine. It influences young girls to turn to an invasive and violent procedure in order to look "more like a woman". Much less advertised is that breast augmentation is no panacea for poor body image and low self-esteem. Implants do nothing for the person you really have to live with, the person you are inside. If it did, there wouldn't be higher suicide rates among those who do decide to augment. And if it did, I wonder if the physical risks would still be worth it.

Mental Augmentation

I used to hate my body. I felt cheated when I realized I wasn't going to grow anymore. I thought I looked like less of a woman. The irony is, I was not a "girly girl". It surprised me at the time that I felt this way, because I was never all about my looks. I always prided myself on my brain and my quirkiness, not my body. I was never into wearing sexy clothes or attracting boys. And I still felt bad about myself. If I had been, I imagine it would have been much worse.

I can't imagine how I would have felt had my family been the sort that allowed or encouraged me to have breast implants at some tender age. I suppose at the time I would have been excited. But a clear message would have been sent: my parents also think my body is inadequate and they too wanted to see it changed. I'm glad they are not that sort of people. That my parents, the most important people in the world, could think that way would have been incredibly damaging to my psyche and self-image.




I made the media work for me. I systematically used it in order to change my own views about my own shape. Images and movies - along with a dose of constructive self-talk and some slightly more flattering pieces in my wardrobe - were among the ways I taught myself to be OK with my shape. I found that emulating stars who valued their natural figures helped me a lot. I must have watched every Audrey Hepburn movie the New York Public Library had stocked. I even did online searches to find out which media stars had A cups and then bombarded myself with their images. (Not naked images, you freaks. I saw their movies and listened to their music.)



Many women my size wear padded bras and avoid scoop necked shirts. I decided that I would do the opposite. I decided to engage in a little "honesty in advertising" to show the world, and myself, that small looks good too. So, I stopped hiding them.

For several years, I got rid of or put away every padded bra I owned. I went on a hunt for bras that had no padding whatsoever. And at my size, that's not always easy. When I found a bra I liked, I would buy about 2 or 3 of them. I still have many of these purchases. I didn't shy away from shirts with a little scoop in them. I did get a few bras with only wires for a bit of support. Eventually I stopped being quite so spartan and started wearing lightly padded bras again - for a bit of shape, not to enhance the size.

I also wore a lot of stuff that enhanced what I was happy with, like my shoulders, my neck, my face, etc. I wore fitted shirts and tank tops proudly.

It also helped me to keep very healthy company. My friends and family helped immeasurably by being supportive and reminding me I was beautiful the way I was. If I didn't have them, I would have had a lot more to do on my own.

Ain't I A Woman?

I suppose it seems a bit neurotic that a perfectly normal, intelligent woman has to do so many contortions over such a superficial issue. Perhaps it is. But it is sure as hell saner, cheaper and longer-lasting than being stuffed with silicone sacks various times over a lifetime. And there's much less danger of leaking.


this post certainly surprised me. i mean i know its the Internet but i never expected a semi conservative woman to put the words Boobs [yes i know I'm very juvenile] but still...

and what i like about this post is that i have small boobs too, genetics. and everyday my friends make stupid comments about my non-existent boobs. well after reading this. I've grown to somewhat accepting them... kind of... but through time and once i leave my teenage years i believe i will come to full acceptance of my boobs and love them. :]

Monday, March 3, 2008

note to self

music to find

Bleed it Out -Linkin Park
Shadow of the Day -Linkin Park
One of the Brightest -James Blunt
Brink of Disaster -Mae
I Don't Wanna Be In Love -Good Charlotte
Realize -Colbie Caillat
Thinking Over -Dana Glover
Catalyst -Anna Nalick
Melody of You -Single File
Rangers -A Fine Frenzy
Last of Days -A Fine Frenzy
new album of Secondhand Serenade

...
i think that's it :/

oh that one song that Clovis West High Colorguard do.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Lyrics Box V

In the light of the sun, is there anyone? Oh it has begun...
Oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed,
This world you must've crossed... you said...

You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah,
She said
You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains... oh yeah,

Essential yet appealed, carry all your thoughts across
An open field,
When flowers gaze at you... they're not the only ones who cry
When they see you
You said...

You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah,
She said
You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains... oh yeah,

She said I think I'll go to Boston...
I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly em out to Spain...
I think I'll go to Boston,
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice... oh yeah,

You don't know me, you don't even care...

Boston... where no one knows my name... yeah
Where no one knows my name...
Where no one knows my name...
Yeah Boston...
Where no one knows my name.

Boston by Augustana

Friday, February 8, 2008

winterball

okay so like any high school, we had a winter ball and the theme was "Midnight Masquerade".
now that's a pretty cool theme if you think about it. it's like those masquerade balls that the princes hold to find their princess and stuff. but problem is the dance was 7:30 - 11:30. 30 mins from midnight. har har har. well the dance + buffet was good. BUFFET oh my gosh. i'm in love with food. i really am, like when i grow up i think my motabolism won't catch up with me and i'll just get fat. and the dance was just like any other dance.
go to the dance floor grind your partner, or hump them against a wall, throw some arms up, swing your hair.
the usual.
but this one dance was cool. because?
i went with my 1st ex-boyfriend from 8th gr. who's my BEST friend!!

yup, he suprised me there x.x
well basically.
i have a boyfriendd <3 :D and his name is Edward Wang.
Feb 2, 2008 @ 10:13 pm.
hahahaha i asked him
kinda tricked him into it
but he told me he was gonna ask me anyways. soo WOO HOOOOO

the end for now.
ill finish tomorrow after school.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Heart Of Darkness

Heart of Darkness Essay
In Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad, Marlow the narrator recalls a journey into Congo. There is he confronted by situations beyond society’s comprehension. He recounted that it was as if they travel back in time, beyond the boundaries of civilized behavior. Adding to that the wild surreal surroundings Marlow was in increased his suspicion of others. Showing when humans are stripped of their cultured boundaries they will make irrational decisions based on impulse and not their wits.

For instance when Marlow was heading towards the Inner Station their steamer was caught in a heavy fog. The fog is a kind of darkness that one would not give much notice to. It seems harmless, but it obscures and distorts the person’s view. Giving him just enough information of his surrounding so that he will barely survive. So when Marlow’s steamer was caught in the fog, he had no idea where he was going and no idea if danger lies ahead. Marlow made the choice to try to keep going through the fog hoping that it will thin because he wanted to keep going and find Kurtz. But the fog only got thicker causing him to anchor in the middle of the river.

The river that the steamer was on allows access to the center of Africa without actually having to step foot on land. It is like a wall between the white man’s world and the black man’s world. Giving the white man power to control the black people without really having to set foot on their land. Also the current upstream towards to center is difficult to conquer like going back before civilization. Once someone is civilized it is very hard to go back. But if the steamer is to go back downstream, back towards the ocean it is fairly easy, like going back towards civilization. Marlow struggles with the river as he goes upstream towards Kurtz, resembling to the way he struggles to understand the circumstances in which he put himself into. Marlow realizing that he is risking his life just to meet this one “famous” man in Africa, the man that has all the ivory. All those rumors build up gave him a need to know this particular man without a good reason doing so and risking his life.

During Marlow’s journey up into the Inner Station, he is confronted by different kind of situations. Sometimes he will make the correct choice and sometimes he would not and risk death. The farther Marlow got the more reckless and foolish his choices were. During the trip to the Inner Station, the steamer went into a fog, instead of anchoring somewhere safe, Marlow kept going because he was impatient to meet Kurtz, therefore later was forced to anchor in the middle of a river surrounded by a deep condense forest. They then were attacked by natives in the area meaning that Marlow risked everyone’s life by making that choice. He abandoned his intuition, dropped his common sense, and stuck to that one thing in his mind to meet the “great” Kurtz. Therefore Marlow proved that the farther one goes without a civilized boundary the more illogical they become.

my first essay without copy and paste.
junior year in high school... AP Literature.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Just...



dance is such a pretty thing.