Regrets

"just move on."
"get over it."
"there's no point regretting it."
"dont regret it."
"..."

my personality is hard to describe. i want to please everyone, but i suck at doing it, therefore someone will get hurt sooner or later. i have a weak self-esteem, no opinion of my own, and i am a "tree without roots" i swear i'll topple anytime.

my self-esteem sucks, because i grew up with an "abusive" brother. More like a very commanding brother, therefore i grew up without an opinion of my own. always in need of being told what to do, how to do it, and ... and because of the abuse i've been through, i try to find an another way of recieving love through... boys. i guess that is why i am so "flirty". since i feel unloved at home, i would try to find it someplace else. that clashes with my need to make everyone happy... i dont know where i'm going with this.

today. my friend ask me to accompany him to the movies with his friends. he says he didnt want to be the fifth wheel so might as well bring a buddy. well i said i would try to go. later i was talking to my friends outside the hallway. and my friends there didn't really like him, so i made it sound as if i just plain pity him. but in reality:
i wanted to go with him.
i wanted to keep my other friends happy [which is stupid now that i realize cause if they're really my friends they wouldn't care.]
and he heard.
and then i spend the whole day and right now regretting what i did. this is like the 32438 time that happen.
i hate myself.

since i know what the heck is going on with me. how do i fix this?
should i call him and apologize and explain? should i let him start it first? should i pretend none of this happen?

i wish i could go call him, but i dont believe i have the guts to. and i don't really want to explain this to him... because it would sound like i'm just making up stupid excuses...
why am i even writing in here? no one reads this except for me.

you know what? ... yah thats what. i dont know. notice i always say i dont know. i mean come on now, there are choices pick a choice how hard is that?
well for one very hard.
i don't have a problem with picking choices, it is just that i don't know what the choices are yet. and i still want to kill myself [not really more like hurt myself i wont go that far.] because i saw his face, and he was like WTF and i'm ... shit i did it again. you know what?
i don't deserve to be in contact with civilization. seriously. i wish i could apologize to him. but i don't know how... i mean i know how but i dont want him to be mad at me... i hate myself i really do.
i would give anything to either turn back time with the knowlegde i have now, or be someone else, or move somewhere far away and start all over again.
no this is not some stupid teenager rambling. this is me i am an emotional girl and in need of someone that understands.

but really... no one will ever understand. because they do not think like us [me,you] the only one that understands us to the fullest is whoever created us. God.
i mean we can try to understand each other. but its a waste of time, the only thing we can do for eachother, is be there and try to help and understand. just be there and listen. who knows you might save a life.
cause i'm here realizing that ... i am venting to a screen. and i will sooner post it, so the whole world can see. but i believe only like 1 person would read this and be like... oh.

i want people to read this. i want my friends to read this. but i dont want to be like "show off-y"

ex: OMG LOOK randomcause.blogspot.com i am like soooooo deep.

hells no. i believe i am a bit "down" not depressed, but i just feel an emptyness [is that possible] and i wish i can do so many things again. i am a regretter. and i dont know what to do with my life.

the first step to recovery is admitting it.


thanks for reading.

- Kami

eh

so
still procrastinating
3 days till school start
so my scedule

today
finish chp 40 and 41
sunday
finish chp 42 and 43
monday
finish chp 44 and 45
read huckleberryfin and finish DJ




one month till my birthday ... yay

Procrastination

is a bitch

one more week till school starts
i barely started my summer assignments...
aiyah. so im trying to find a senior with their summer assignments found one but her internet broke ...
i need to do my history badly i need to control myself
cause RO is being very very very addicting...

my boyfriend is being very very needy its cute but seriously HOMEWORK > everything except band camp now
...
:]

New Song Perfectly -Five Times August

You’re the center of me
And you’re the sinner in me
A saint in the wait, but the weight keeps bringing me down

And I’m the beggar of you
You’re taking me when you choose
My words of desire are going to set me on fire tonight

Cause how you leaned on me
And how you’d sing to me
That’s what you mean to me,
And it’s perfectly you

And You’re the end of my nights,
The starting thoughts at sunrise
You’ve got me changing but the same things are holding me back

But what I do, it’s all for you
It’s understood you don’t like the change
But don’t leave me out, I want you now
I’m sorry how I can’t turn you away
But you’re worth so much, a priceless touch
And I worry, when you’re not perfectly you


its for Alex Mendoza.

Updating Myself

well it's been awhile, and i guess i should update myself...
i found a really nice site.
www.straymatter.com

and then i got my permit, i drive my parents around now.
i'm obsessed with the game Ragnarok Online [www.legacyro.com] the server i'm playing.

went to the beach and told my friend that i had the urge to kiss him. cause i guess we were talking about it feels like he's going through what i'm going. since i am still worried about the exsistent of life. and everytime i think about it, it brings me WAY down.

i got my first internet boyfriend. his name is Kevin Ky and he's 6 days younger than me. oh wow also my first time that the boy is younger than me. grats. it's really weird... since he's an extreme jealous type. and yeah i'm a flirty time. thank goodiness he's in Arizona. but then he can come and visit <3 just a 4 hour drive like Vegas. uhm but with him, i will actually try not to do anything.

i met Vic's little brother. FINALLY -cough cougch-

i got new glasses frame.

i am procrastinating on my homework. its due in 3 weeks and i just started. need to do outlines, and dialectic journals.

i sleep around 10pm and wake up at 2 am just to play Ragnarok and talk to Alex [vic's lil bro]. its interesting hearing his side of the story since for the past 4 [give or take] i've been hearing Vic's side. hmm it is really different, and like for me its like "OMG... thats crazy." you know?

i realized that Northern Cali people do not wear flip flops that much and say Hella like we say "dude, like, omgah"
i also realized that i'm a valley girls since i say like every 40 seconds-ish. i mean like if you say ... "he said she was beautiful" sounds like a quote and thats not because i put it in quote! now if you say "he said like she was beautiful" that sounds more like you're just resaying what he said but not to the exact. cause you can't really quote someone... can you? i mean without their consent or like... you might misquote.

i still go "running" with my running buddy Andrew, its just that instead of running like we used to do 2 years ago, we walk to Starbucks and order a drink and a bagel sit down on the couch and update each other. since he goes to a different high school now.

i need to get SAT books. i need to study. i need to try. i need to get in a good college. i need alot of things that are possible, but to me is impossible to reach.

i need to refresh my French.

hmm i think i might do a whole entry on Vic and his brother. so weird i am. i am so weird there we go.

my first post without smilies.

loves