quick vent and confession whatever!
sooo... I AM VERY PRIDEFUL. for what? i have no idea. i like to think i'm better than others (even though i try not to think those thoughts but hey! who can resist really?). well... and its very frustrating that other people are better than me and etc... but ignore that. i really dont know what i'm typing. what cause this post? well im trying to write 4 1/2 page essay, simple i know. but i have the tendency to getting distracted REALLY EASY (ex: blogspot). i mention to my boyfriend that one time last year it took me six hours to write a 3 page essay... and then he pushed me away (cause we were hugging and it wasn't pushing it was more like he let go of me and stepped back). and exclaims,
baby, my 17-24 page chapters for my thesis (he's a grad student) it takes me around 3 hours to write
... oh thanks. i know it takes you that long, i mean i study with you. and you have 5 years more than me on writing essay, plus the advantage that english is your first language and also you have the discipline to get things done. dont you see? i know i can finish this faster, but it is also the thought that i can finish this in two hours easy that makes me want to slack off until the very very very last min.
oh sorry i slam the door on you. i tend to overreact way to often and much... but please remember im still a raging hormone teenager who is on her rag.
it sucks sometimes. oh this is off topic about the essay stuff. but ... whenever i need you or i need to talk to you, you're always busy or gone. so i wait for you and when you're free, the need for me to talk to you is gone. so that's why half the time i dont tell you things. not because i dont want to. its because i most likely solved it on my own. or found my emo corner... like right now i need you. but i know you're semi-mad and frustrated and most likely thinking
why the hell did i get with this girl
also my pride says no to opening the door.
well i let him in... and yes typical me
throws a damn fit. i really need to stop and change. its hard... its like half of me knows what im doing and the other half is confused. then when i realize what i was doing i just... im fighting with myself. i feel it physically. is that weird? i dont know anymore...
i think i need to see a shrink or whatever a therapist? psychologist? iono. i need to see someone if this keeps going on.
or maybe im just over-dramatizing everything so i could get attention... which still requires a therapist omfg
im so lost.
2 comments:
haha alright i can't help but comment because
you missed 11:11
by one minute =P
mmm you really should learn to be happy with yourself
you've always been relying on someone else to be an emotional crutch that you've never bothered.
you probably have self esteem issue if you get bothered by little comments like that
like really a significant other shouldn't be someone you NEED, just someone you want
big difference that i've learned
blah blah blah idk there's so much to say buuuut
i think these things are completely different when you hear someone else tell you and when really understand it for yourself
someday you'll learn, as long as you really do want to change
things will be better :]
hell things are probably pretty good right now and you just don't realize it you dork
baby!
You are really better than others. You are lucky and fateful to others.
But!
Don't be reflexive more.
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