"just move on."
"get over it."
"there's no point regretting it."
"dont regret it."
"..."
my personality is hard to describe. i want to please everyone, but i suck at doing it, therefore someone will get hurt sooner or later. i have a weak self-esteem, no opinion of my own, and i am a "tree without roots" i swear i'll topple anytime.
my self-esteem sucks, because i grew up with an "abusive" brother. More like a very commanding brother, therefore i grew up without an opinion of my own. always in need of being told what to do, how to do it, and ... and because of the abuse i've been through, i try to find an another way of recieving love through... boys. i guess that is why i am so "flirty". since i feel unloved at home, i would try to find it someplace else. that clashes with my need to make everyone happy... i dont know where i'm going with this.
today. my friend ask me to accompany him to the movies with his friends. he says he didnt want to be the fifth wheel so might as well bring a buddy. well i said i would try to go. later i was talking to my friends outside the hallway. and my friends there didn't really like him, so i made it sound as if i just plain pity him. but in reality:
i wanted to go with him.
i wanted to keep my other friends happy [which is stupid now that i realize cause if they're really my friends they wouldn't care.]
and he heard.
and then i spend the whole day and right now regretting what i did. this is like the 32438 time that happen.
i hate myself.
since i know what the heck is going on with me. how do i fix this?
should i call him and apologize and explain? should i let him start it first? should i pretend none of this happen?
i wish i could go call him, but i dont believe i have the guts to. and i don't really want to explain this to him... because it would sound like i'm just making up stupid excuses...
why am i even writing in here? no one reads this except for me.
you know what? ... yah thats what. i dont know. notice i always say i dont know. i mean come on now, there are choices pick a choice how hard is that?
well for one very hard.
i don't have a problem with picking choices, it is just that i don't know what the choices are yet. and i still want to kill myself [not really more like hurt myself i wont go that far.] because i saw his face, and he was like WTF and i'm ... shit i did it again. you know what?
i don't deserve to be in contact with civilization. seriously. i wish i could apologize to him. but i don't know how... i mean i know how but i dont want him to be mad at me... i hate myself i really do.
i would give anything to either turn back time with the knowlegde i have now, or be someone else, or move somewhere far away and start all over again.
no this is not some stupid teenager rambling. this is me i am an emotional girl and in need of someone that understands.
but really... no one will ever understand. because they do not think like us [me,you] the only one that understands us to the fullest is whoever created us. God.
i mean we can try to understand each other. but its a waste of time, the only thing we can do for eachother, is be there and try to help and understand. just be there and listen. who knows you might save a life.
cause i'm here realizing that ... i am venting to a screen. and i will sooner post it, so the whole world can see. but i believe only like 1 person would read this and be like... oh.
i want people to read this. i want my friends to read this. but i dont want to be like "show off-y"
ex: OMG LOOK randomcause.blogspot.com i am like soooooo deep.
hells no. i believe i am a bit "down" not depressed, but i just feel an emptyness [is that possible] and i wish i can do so many things again. i am a regretter. and i dont know what to do with my life.
the first step to recovery is admitting it.
thanks for reading.
- Kami
3 comments:
Wells, you will obviously be able to tell who I am from my "speech" pattern lol. Anyways, we all have a need to be loved since the day we are born, no matter who you are, you need to be loved, otherwise you can't live life fully. And well all look for someone, anyone, to fill that need, and for the most part, our parents take care of that, but then that isn't enough pretty soon, so we look for it in others.
Me, I am insecure as hell. I can't stand the idea of anyone disliking me, even a little, unless of course it's someone who is just... an idiot, but even then, if they hate me with a passion, it will still bother me a little. I can't do anything for myself, not that I'm helpless, I mean that I HAVE to have someone to do things for, to give me a purpose so to say. I'm a creature of self-sacrifice, and if I don't have anyone, my life has no purpose.
Anyways, you can't fix anything, cause there is no problem. All you need is someone like me, full of love, and the need to give all that love to someone. Not necessarily me, someone who makes you happy beyond anything else in the world and who will love you unconditionally as well. To be honest, I would love, more than anything, to be that person, but alas, that choice is up to you to make.
In the end, I know everything will work out for you cause you deserve for it to. You deserve the universe, everything in it, and even more. Well, bye bye, and I love you lots and lots [see, obvious] =)
Everyone regrets.
For whatever reason it may be, everyone does it --
but learn to think, it is already over and done with and from this point on, all you can do is try to fix this mistake -- somehow make things better.
I'm here if you need to vent.
- Ashlee
humans aren't perfect
to say the least, if you say you are, you're probably worse down the line than others.
humans are born with imperfections
one of them is being selfish
what do young children say regarding their play toys and such?
"mine!" it takes discipline from oneself, peers, and authority to share
or whatever.
the point is, you can't please others until you can please yourself
it may sound selfish
hell, it is if you think about it
but who really waits hand and foot for others?
those are called slaves.
i'm pretty sure you aren't one
anywho, just be yourself and focus on what you want to be like, not what others want you to be like
i know, sorry
if you find anything ambiguous or doesn't really make sense or is just plain stupid
...yea well it's the middle of the night
i'm not perfect either (:
take a wild guess at who i am
i'm sure it won't be too hard
gahahaha
stay cool kami.
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