are stressful.
whenever i go into a relationship i always tell myself. it's a two person thing. but then i make it into a me me me thing. so i change and make it a him him him thing. and for some reason i can't seem to make it a we we we thing...
but really i prefer catering to him, because then i won't have to worry about being a "spoiled bitch." even though i am, naturally. it is better when i focus all my attention to giving him what he wants. an illusion that he's in charge and he's catering to me. since he's not really happy unless he feels like he's doing me a favor or spoiling me a bit. but i really... dislike it when he does that. makes me feel guilty that i'm using him.
my favorite place is my bed.
its been 2 months friday. i am slightly suprise. but you know what i bet we could last until graduation. because...
we're staying together: 1. we're "happy" 2. we have what we want 3. peer pressure 4. ew for drama.
if we do break up i'll be the villian no matter who did it because he is a super nice guy. also everyone would talk and be like OMG OMG OMG. so high school, can be its own little bitch sometimes.
when i'm __________ i like to sleep and forget about life.
i mean the relationship isn't fake or that i'm using him. it does have its good moments. the 1st month and a half had been pretty rough, i was being a selfish bitch, and i was a "ohh no! whatever you wannnt!!" transitioning back and forth. bascially i was bipolar? i guess is a good phrase. then later on i got the hang of it. ish... well anytime i feel like i'm gonna turn bipolar i usually scream in my head "don't do it or you'll regret it!" or "BE FUCKING HAPPY OR I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU LATER!!!" somewhere along those lines... and
i cry in the showers and sometimes when i sleep.
i really think i have emotional problems. i shouldn't even be in a relationship when i can't even keep a hold of my emotions. one second i could be totally happy, the next i would be close to tearing up... like right now. except i have a reason but this boy is bothering me... well not really. he's more like confronting me, and i HATE confrontations i tend to stay away from them, and try to keep it from happening. like this one time my boyfriend confronted me about my bipolar ish ness. i got mad and ran into the classroom. for the rest of the week i cater to him like no other. too bad i couldn't keep it up, it would of been sweet.
when i start losing it i hit myself to get back to reality.
i also tend to space out when i'm being confronted. i start fantasizing about something else... i dont know what to do anymore. so i quit trying to find my own way and like standing up to what is my right. i'm just going to get the critism accept it even though if i think its wrong. and just correct it to the person's style. i dont know what to do anymore... everything i do is always wrong compare to others.
so...
i quit.
you're right.
i'm always wrong.
because i'm an idiot. i'm stupid. i'm pretty much worthless. i'm pitiful. and my sorrys dont count because he said so.
sometimes i wish i was dead, so people would care about me for a week or so.
goodnight. i'm going to sleep...
i apologize for my post changing topics and ending up emo. i just needed to "vent".
or maybe just cry for help... i don't know. next time ill be happy...
nah. i dont want to lie here too.
2 comments:
You just have to accept that deep down everyone will only do something if they get something out of it. Even if its not their surface thoughts or they don't want to believe it themselves. So in the end you just have to try and both do things that will make the both of you as happy as possible. And don't just stay in a relationship because you dislike confrontations or because of peer pressure. You should be in a relationship that makes you happy because if the other person really does care about you then they should want you to be happy.
And you probably feel bipolar because you aren't expressing yourself enough. Everybody has their ups and downs, just express them as they come instead of bottling it all up until you feel stressed and make a sudden jump when you can't handle it anymore.
Sometimes just do something even if it seems selfish. In the end we are all human and everything we do has so selfish motive deep down anyways.
Just do whatever makes you happiest.
I know this is random, but I guess I am hoping to make someone else feel better that has similar issues so I can have hope for myself? Oh well.
Don't be so hard on yourself for having emotions, and you definitely aren't stupid. And people do care about you, possibly more than you would ever know. :)
I am right. we lasted till graduation
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